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so i still haven't gotten the chance to catch up with everyone's entries, but i'm trying.

life is okay. yesterday i took a ride with jay and ceaser up to danvers state hospital. we walked around the outside of the hospital. i have been before but it was kind of creepy yesterday. there were no construction workers, as it was sunday, and the birds were very mad that we were there.

i brought my camera but forgot to take it on the walk. i wish i had. we took a quick video as we drove out, which i will try to put up later, but i wish we had filmed the walk. it felt slightly "blair witch"

we didn't go down to the cemetery cuz it was muddy as shit and they both had on brand new white shoes, so i told them i'd take them another time if they wanted and they could wear old shoes or boots.

jay came with me to my parent's house for dinner last night. my mom made Shepard's pie. it was good. he stayed over last night and there was a major snowstorm last night, so he may not be back home till tomorrow. he's reading one of my college textbooks right now and reading out loud every other sentence cuz he is finding it so interesting. he's a good kid with such a major hunger for knowledge. it makes me so mad that the school system just threw him away the way they did... like they did to me and many of many of my friends.

moo (gizmo) says hello to everyone. she's mooing right now.

i had a really bad week last week. people have been giving me shit...mainly people i don't even know and for no reason at all. i'm trying to be understanding about why everyone in boston is in such a bad mood, especially the poor working man while boston is getting richer on one and and poorer on the other... and the working man who sees me in my nice car with my own apartment and no 9-5 job, they get really angry at me and act like dicks. i understand what they think when they look at me, but they don't know the whole story. they don't know that i have disabilities or that i have not always been in a privileged environment. they don't know a lot of things, but i don't feel i should have to tell them... but i also really hate when people look at me like a lazy white boy who could easily get a job if i just tried, cuz there's just so much more to it than that. they don't know the history or how every time i am employed i end up in tears the entire time i work and then end up in the psych ward.
i will work and make money some day. i am working now and i plan to make money from what i already do, it is just a matter of meeting the right connections in the artistic world, but with my severe anxiety and fear of crowds and people and all that, it is a slow process. so fuck all you haters.
plus my insurance stopped covering my anxiety meds which sucks and my obvous anxiety lately is probably part of the reason people have been giving me shit. they see me and think i look suspicious cuz that is how anxiety makes me look. grrrrrrr

anyway peace out everyone. more later


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 15th, 2008 05:07 am (UTC)
.. hello gizmo. Yummy Shepherds Pie; Mum's are so good at making them too :)
Jan. 15th, 2008 03:23 pm (UTC)
yeah. it was good.
gizmo is happy to have me to herself again for once as jay had been here 2 days cuz we got a snowstorm. i took him home this morning.
Jan. 20th, 2008 03:35 am (UTC)
I feel the exact same way about the disabilities thing man. I am always afraid to tell people about even getting assistance never mind that I don't currently have a job. I feel as though I will someday make up for it in a huge way but peoples judgement and assumptions is just something that I do not need.

Being an artist is hard enough because you never really feel fully understood by anyone and to have something further to explain, to justify or whatever just adds an additional amount of stress- not to mention a degree of guilt for even existing and remaining mentally stable.

What people don't know is from where we came, and what kind of lows we have been to, and that we got help for a reason. From an outsiders perspective our lives may seem just peachy and conflict-free but the trouble exists and its been a fucking tough road to get to where we have been and to have grown and made progress.

I could rant about it for hours.
Jan. 20th, 2008 07:21 pm (UTC)
yeah dude, we need to get together and rant. when you are finally healed we must do that. ha.
thanks for writing this comment. its always nice to know i'm not alone.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )


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