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hello everyone. thank you for all of your nice words. i will get back to you individually soon.
i got out of the hospital yesterday. so it appears that i will be home for emily's birthday and note to beverly and lake: thank you for agreeing to drive me home. although i didnt end up needing the ride after all.
actually, my social worker, who i met with for all of 3 minutes told me that my CRS worker brett would be picking me up at 5 last night. she told me this on tuesday when she met with me for 3 minutes. she said she talked to him and he would drive me from waltham to concord to get my car. something seemed fishy about what she was saying, plus she was in a rush and said she wouldnt be in wednesday. as soon as she left the room i said to myself, "he isn't gonna show up".
and i was right. 5 o'clock last night came and went, then did 6 o'clock and the staff got me a cab voucher and called me a cab. i have a feeling the social worker left a messege on brett's machine telling him i needed a ride and then just hoped he'd show up. this would not be a first time a social worker's lies fucked up my peaceful discharge. i was anxious about leaving, seeing as i only spent 5 minutes with my doctor and 3 with my social worker the entire hospitalization. i was only able to attend 2 therapy groups while i was there, there were no med changes and the only person i talked to at length besides other patients was a nursing student from boston college.
it was the most pointless hospitalization i've had in years. not to mention that after 15 hours in the emerson hospital ER i was admitted to North 5 at Emerson. I was told the next morning (sunday) by Doctor Stern that there was a possibility i might be transfered to another hospital due to insurance. A couple hours later, he told me as long as i didnt mind being at Emerson, insurance said i could stay. So, i unpacked, got comfortable, and a couple hours later he told me they were going to send me over to Walden after all. So i was escorted by ambulance to Walden. i had to go through all the same admission bullshit, and then spent like 3 1/2 days there pretty much being ignored.
The second to last day, i was in the lunchroom and i recognized a very familiar face in the relaxation room. My mom's best friend's son. He was like an older brother to me growing up. In fact, when i was a baby, we lived in the same 2 family house, and then they lived right around the corner from the house i grew up in from age 7 to 23. He has been married for 10 years and they have 2 sons. Their sons call my mother "Gramma Janet". Anyway, even though it was him i first recognized in the room, i could see he was in there with someone else, and the someone else was actually the patient. Last time i saw either of them was at my grandfather's funeral. I was sad to see that the person he was with was so depressed. She has been hospitalized once before. She's a really amazing woman, and i was glad i got to see them, but sad she had to be there. i hope everything works out for her. They are family to me. My mom's best friend is like a second mom to me.
there were 2 patients there that i knew. Other "frequent fliers", plus i recognized a guy from the eating disorder unit. The staff were good at Walden as usual.... except for the staff with actual titles like doctor or social worker... well actually, even though my doctor discharged me without hardly talking to me, i think she did the right thing. i didnt really need to be there after all i dont think, and if i spent too much time inside it could be more damaging than helpful.
there was 1 completely psychtic person there, and i realized its been a while since i've been around anyone so psychotic. It was helpful in that sometimes i wonder when i think weird stuff and act strange if i am becoming psychotic, but seeing this woman helped me see that yes i'm quite strange an quirky and have emotional problems, but i know that it is 2007 and that i live in massachusetts in the US on planet earth. i know i'm alive and human and cannot fly by myself, and most likely there are no chips implaneted in me, and i dont have the ability to blow up the world with my brain.,.... heh. quirky, weird-yes, TOTALLY out of my mind with no chance of returning- no.
So, oddly, i think the hospitalization was helpful in some ways, and i've decided that as cliche and saturday night live pathetic as it sounds, i am going to think self positive thoughts as much as possible. Even if i dont believe them to be true. I started yesterday, and i'm doing it today and i already feel a little better. No matter how much truth there is to it, i feel better saying to myself "i deserve to be happy", "i have as much right to be alive as anyone else", "i am a good person", "i am smart", etc, than i do when i say things to myself like "i suck" "i can't do it", "i should just give up" etc. I need to overdose on the happy thoughts for a while as i do have 29 years worth of negative self talk as well as abuse and torment to make up for. Still, i think it might help, and with positive self esteem i may finally believe in myself and if i believe in myself maybe i will make an effort to try to succeed rather than making no effort cuz i think i will fail.
And i'm gonna try coffee in the morning instead of stackers.
Jay is coming over later to watch Slam and maybe work on some beats. peace


( 16 comments — Leave a comment )
Oct. 11th, 2007 04:33 pm (UTC)
Welcome back to the outside. We should get together sometime.
Oct. 12th, 2007 06:39 pm (UTC)
yeah that will be cool. i'm not sure what i have going on yet, but i should be free a lot still
Oct. 11th, 2007 05:23 pm (UTC)
I'm confused, why were you in the hospital? Are you okay?
Oct. 12th, 2007 06:53 pm (UTC)
i am okay, yes. i was concerned that i was falling into one of my downward spirals. i have PTSD and sometimes it leads me to being suicidal and i've attempted in the past. luckily i am now able to recognize triggers that send me into these spirals. i was concerned and went to the ER. i went in patient to the psych ward for a couple days when i really probably just really needed to talk to someone. i dont really have a therapist right now. well, i have a gender therapist. but not one for my ptsd. i have a list of numbers now though. so hopefully soon a therapist
Oct. 11th, 2007 08:05 pm (UTC)
Rock. Welcome home :)
Oct. 12th, 2007 07:04 pm (UTC)
thanks. i feel so childish, like i really just needed to throw a temper tantrum and be like I NEED ATTENTION!!! what i need is a therapist, more exorsize, less piff, less tv, more human interaction and more masterbation....and work on thinking positive shit and keeping my life private.
Oct. 12th, 2007 08:03 pm (UTC)
don't feel childish. While it may not have been the road you wanted to take, look at all those goals! Look at the positive that came out of that experience. How you got there didn't harm anyone, so who cares? You got what you needed and that's what counts.
Oct. 13th, 2007 08:18 pm (UTC)
thank you. i appriciate that. you'e right, i didnt hurt anyone, and in fact i got to hel a couple people as well as myself. so i guess its not too bad.
Oct. 12th, 2007 02:31 am (UTC)
'but i know that it is 2007 and that i live in massachusetts in the US on planet earth...'


all very valid points!
Oct. 12th, 2007 07:05 pm (UTC)
thank you.
Oct. 12th, 2007 04:15 am (UTC)
Hey, sorry to hear about your stay. Glad it wasn't all bad and glad you're back out!
Take good care of yourself. Try to get some aerobic exercise with that caffeine. I know it can be a bitch keeping our spirits up, but gettng the blood pumping can help. And doing the positive self-talk. (I know what you mean about it sounding pathetic, maybe it's corny but beating up on ourselves doesn't sound too cool either.)
Oct. 12th, 2007 07:09 pm (UTC)
i agree. as i said to instantkarmma,
"i feel so childish, like i really just needed to throw a temper tantrum and be like I NEED ATTENTION!!! what i need is a therapist, more exorsize, less piff, less tv, more human interaction and more masterbation....and work on thinking positive shit and keeping my life private. "
it was nice to see the people i like and got to see, but they all seemed to look at me like "its great to see you, but you're doin' all right, don't go backwards"
so yeah, i'll try those other things
Oct. 12th, 2007 07:17 am (UTC)
*hugs* glad you're ok :)
Oct. 12th, 2007 07:09 pm (UTC)
thanks (:
Oct. 25th, 2007 02:42 pm (UTC)
Back and Home
I hope you'll stay with the positive thinking
plan, and please know that I'll help with whatever I can. You ARE smart, you ARE MORE than a good person...you deserve to be happy more than anyone else on this planet! I love you so much.
You are truly many wonderful things to me and more people than you will EVER know.
I love you. xo mom
Oct. 25th, 2007 10:51 pm (UTC)
Re: Back and Home
thanks (:
that means a lot. i love you too
( 16 comments — Leave a comment )


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