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love and family

today in the group "giving voice" we talked about love and family and how complicated that can sometimes be. i brought up the topic because last week i was saying that there were people in my family who i don't really love, and all week i was thinking how that's not true, i really do love my entire family, including my creepy pedophile uncle i barely know, my aunt and uncle who pretty much disowned me, my psycho bitch cousin and the people who judge me and just generally don't understand me at all. i love them all. i love my parents who i am still pretty sure tried to have me killed just a few years ago and my family who refuse to respect my gender transition or call me by my name. yes, i love them all, and i guess there are a few of them i don't owe it to them to love them and even kind of wish i didn't love them, but i do. i love big. i can't help it, i always have. i still love my ex wife who i cannot stand either and hope never to see again, i love my old friends who deserted me when things got too hard, i love my recently ex friend who never treated me well, used me, and even raped me. i can't help loving these people, i just do. i also of course love the people who have been good to me and who treat me the way i now know i deserve to be treated. when you grow up loving abusive people, you do start to think you deserve to be abused and i even abused myself. i love myself now too. love is a complicated thing.

i brought up in group, something my father did years ago that really hurt me. i wanted to move out to washington state where i have a good group of friends who love me unconditionally and i feel the same about them, and i told my parents i was going to move. i had everything set to go and my father told me i could not survive without them, that i would die if i went to washington, that i am incapable of taking care of myself and that if i tried to move out there, he said he would come after me and he would have me put in a state hospital for the rest of my life, which is pretty much my biggest fear and something he probably could do. it was a really awful thing to say to me, not even just the threat but the pure unconfidence he clearly has for me to be able to survive on my own... i have never been given the chance to even try it and i am 33 years old. i was about 27 at the time. it really hurt that he said these things. when i told my group about it, someone said "that's not love" but i told her, "well, it IS love, it's messed up love. it's not right, but i know my father loves me" of course i have had moments that i doubt it, like that moment of course or when he and my mother laughed at me when i was being beaten daily in the hospital a few years back and i pleaded for them to help get me out of there. i told them that the staff were trying to kill me. they nearly did kill me and my parents laughed at me. they don't seem to know me at all either. i know i am not the same person i used to be, but they don't seem to know that. sometimes i think they hate me the way they sometimes have treated me, but this past year at least they have been amazingly supportive, and there have been times throughout my life when i felt surely loved and other times i felt surely hated... but i think it still is love. it's not unconditional love, but it is love. of course no wonder i'm so fucked up when this is the love i get, but hey...
the same person who told me what my father has for me is not love has not spoken to her parents in 15 years and though she says they raised her well, when they made conditions on loving her, she left them and she feels perfectly ok with that choice, that it was the right thing for her and sometimes i do think separating myself from my family would be good for my mental health as well. i don't talk to my psycho bitch cousin anymore. i just can't. she is a sociopath who looooooves to fuck up my life however she possibly can and i cannot have that anymore.... sometimes my parents do the same thing. they love me so long as i don't expose the truth about them. the closer they got to being found out for certain things they have done, the worse they treated me, locked me up, sent people to follow me, hurt me, etc. now that everyone is convinced i am bat shit crazy, they are happy because they believe that no one will believe me... it's fucked up, isn't it? but there is still love in there. love can be such a fucked up thing. i still have a long way to go before i feel comfortable entering a relationship. i like someone right now, but i dunno if i like them enough to risk everything for one thing and for another thing i still hate myself too much to love another person right. i don't totally hate myself anymore. i know i am a better, stronger, much more amazing person than i ever have been and i am on my way to loving myself purely, but i don't have enough confidence in myself yet to be able to love a significant other right. if i were to enter a relationship right now it might not be awful, but it wouldn't be right. i have been hurt too badly by too many people i love to understand how to love somebody right yet. i am working on getting there. i believe i will. i believe i am not hopeless. i believe i am no longer borderline. i still have a lot of issues, but i am definitely on the right track. ideally, i probably should weed the people out of my life who still hurt me... but when that is family, it is hard and when they've threatened to send you to a state hospital for the rest of your life if you were to do so, it is even harder, so i have to work my way around the complications of love.

anyway, i guess that's it. how to love.... hmmmm.


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Dec. 7th, 2011 10:50 am (UTC)
You are a loving and forgiving person, you deserve more love and forgiving people around you.
Dec. 8th, 2011 01:24 am (UTC)
thank you. i try to be anyway. today i am not feeling too forgiving. i wanna punch walls. i won't, but i'm feeling flustered and i guess angry, i dunno. i'll get through it though. thanks for your support
Dec. 8th, 2011 12:42 pm (UTC)
It's being able to have enough love for all of those people, in spite what they've done (or haven't done), that makes you the good person you are.
Dec. 10th, 2011 05:05 am (UTC)
thank you (:
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )


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