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fear and world AIDS day

the other day LJ asked "what are you afraid of?" and i couldn't think of an answer, but i thought of one. i am afraid of my mental illness getting worse and that some day i will have to live out my days in a group home or a state hospital. that is probably my biggest fear. i dunno if it is realistic or not. in some ways i am getting so much better but i also feel in some ways i am getting worse and losing my grip. i hope that i will be able to live independently for the rest of my life, but i just don't know.

i also wanted to comment, since it is world AIDS day, that on this day i often think of this guy kenny who was my aunt's best friend. he is not the only person i have known who had HIV, but he died of AIDS in the early 90's, back in the day when things were not really understood about the disease. he spent his last thanksgiving with my family. the whole extended family was there. we had it in a hall at my grandfather's elderly complex. it was a potluck type thing, everyone brought a dish. kenny made home made bread and no one ate it. i wanted a piece, but people whispered not to take it... "what if he cut himself while making it?" people didn't know AIDS could not be caught like that, and so his last thanksgiving, his contribution of bread went untouched. i'm sure there are sadder stories of AIDS to be told, but that is my personal memory and i will always think about how unfortunate it is that we didn't understand the disease better at that time like we should have and we could have eaten his bread and told him how great it was instead of what we did.

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