djcliche (djcliche) wrote,

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progress over losing time

one aspect of progress i haven't really mentioned in a long time if ever.... i used to black out. like "lose time" or have dissociative episodes where i could not remember parts of my day.

the last time it happened was 3 1/2 years ago, when i ended up in ct. and couldn't really remember how i'd gotten there. that day, i remembered bits and pieces, but it was also the most extreme thing (i think) i'd ever done in a blackout.

since then, i can account for all of my time during the day, even if some parts of some days seem especially strange or other worldly. i'm thinking it has to be progress to at least remember what has happened.

it got me thinking, that maybe all the chaos that has been happening could be a result of whatever i was doing when i blacked out. i suppose i could have been doing anything, right? i don't think i did anything bad... except for maybe that day in ct. i don't really know.

it is hard to live with losing time. it didn't happen all that often, but it did happen, or at least it seemed like it did. i think in some way, i must be putting myself back together, if i am now able to remember... and therefor maybe am not really falling apart, so much as mashing back up and maybe overlapping pieces from time to time.

anyway, it definitely feels good to be able to look back on my days and not worry what might have happened, because i know what did, even if i can't always make sense of it.

just thought i'd share
Tags: brain, c-ptsd, mental illness

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