well, sometimes it is the fear that there are people out there who want me dead, and i am told by some that this is a delusion, but seeing as 5 people (at once) tried to kill me a few years ago, and did not succeed, i don't think it is a completely unrealistic thought. but i do think i am going to be ok. the fear arises from time to time when i feel like i'm being followed and stuff like that. i'm mostly over the fear, but if it all happens to be a delusion, i dunno if i'll ever get over it. if it's a delusion, i guess i hope i do get over it, but if it isn't, then it's probably better i don't, so i can keep an eye out and keep myself safe. we'll see how it plays out.
my other insecurity is my body. i hate it. i am very fat and i don't think it is likely i'm going to lose the amount of weight i'd need to to look the way i'd like to any time soon or ever. when i went on lithium when i was 15, they told me i might gain a little weight. they didn't mention that by a little, that could mean 200 pounds in 2 years. that isn't exactly easy to take off, especially when you are poor, have bad habits in regards to cooking, are still on meds and have a back so bad that just walking 1 block puts you in major pain. so it is something i am likely going to have to live with and i dunno if i'll get over it. hopefully i will find a woman some day that can overlook that (or even love it) AND the tiny issue where i have no penis. and although there are surgeries that can be done about the penis issue, i doubt i'll ever have them. not sure if i even want it. i dunno. i mean, yes, i'd like a penis sometimes, but i'm not sure that is the route i am meant to take. i do need to get over these insecurities in order to have the self esteem it takes to go out and meet someone. it worries me sometimes that it makes me feel like i can never get a person to love me.... oh and the mental illness thing on top of that. i don't feel like i could burden someone with having to live with all my ptsd issues. like, it wouldn't be fair to them, especially on top of the fact that i have the body i have. i wish i had more guts about this and could feel like trying and giving people the chance to make that decision for themselves, but for now i haven't reached that point and it isn't fair to burden someone when i have such low self esteem either, i don't think, seeing how my last relationship was destroyed by both of us hating ourselves. i don't hate myself anymore. i've come a long way, but i don't know if i feel like someone could love me as is either. it sucks