djcliche (djcliche) wrote,

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i'm feeling a bit of humiliation right now. okay, a lot, coming in from all angles...

the main thing is what happened over the spring and summer. i went a little crazy. again. only this time was so much different than the other. when i went crazy 3 years ago, i was full of anger and fear. full to the brim. and this last time, i was filled to the brim with joy. it didn't feel wrong, because it felt amazing. part of me is still angry that so many people had a problem with it, because it seems that when i was filled with pain and sorrow and anxiety and hurt and chronically suicidal, most people showed little concern. at least a lot of the people who i wanted to care. i know i am being unfair, because when a person is in deep pain every day of their lives, eventually it either becomes old, or there is just nothing they feel they can do, so they don't bother. but suddenly i am happier than ever, and everyone tells me i've lost my mind. i can't help but think that maybe losing my mind, or whatever, has been a big part of what's made me feel so much better and made me a better human being. so part of me feels like "what's the big deal" and then part of me remembers how crazy... and not in a good way, i went only 3 years ago, and how of course, the people who care about me are going to worry when i talk about those same things they call "delusions" again and am hyper and super happy on top of it.

i don't think that what i was talking about having gone through was delusional. it was spiritual. i was blessed to be able to be a part of it. but i am humiliated because i can never share it with most people. however there have been plenty i've met along the way that know of the "world" i speak of that sounds delusional to most. it's just another way of seeing this world that most people live in, like seeing it inside out... and it actually makes this world make a lot more sense. but not everyone sees it and i got stuck in it. and it was amazing. i can't help thinking i wish i could bring everyone there. it's so much more peaceful.... but that could be chaos. not everyone is meant to go there in this lifetime. it can be a burden to carry and the fewer people who carry it, the heavier it is. it is a beautiful thing to have access to, but it is pretty much the weight of the world. i don't think there's any way to get rid of it, to unsee it or pretend it isn't there. and i'm not sure i'd even want to give it up if i had the option. but i do feel humiliated knowing how i must have appeared to people in "this reality" and i feel a little stupid.

now i have to do all kinds of hard work to get my soul feeling good again, and to try to get back to enjoying THIS reality, which i honestly just don't like as much as the other one. and although part of me looks forward to the next time i get to go to the other reality, where i am at peace with the world, part of me fears it, and i hate fearing something so beautiful and unique. it seems unfair. i wish i could go to the other place and enjoy that without appearing lost here. maybe that is a skill i will acquire over time. for now i'm working on being happy here. but rarely does an hour go by when i don't think about the other place, that is here but on the other side of here. i guess i'm grateful i've gotten to live there at all. it was a gift. it was just a gift with a tall price.
Tags: c-ptsd, crazy, peace, reality, soul

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