not sure what i want to achieve yet exactly. i plan on using this year to reflect, rest and recoup. 2010 was an adventure. it was mostly fun but it definitely took all of my body, mind and soul to get through it the way i did. and i expect i will have similar adventures ahead of me. i'm nervous about it because these adventures lead many people to believe i'd gone completely crazy. that is the hardest part of my journey to deal with, to not be able to explain what i am doing, because i know it sounds crazy, and people doing anything in their power to stop me because they don't understand. it's not like i was hurting anyone or myself. i was doing some strange things, yes. not all that strange, but strange enough to make people wonder... still, i did what i did acting on faith alone. when i swam out to that island, it wasn't like my brain didn't say to me "this might not be safe. it's nighttime, it's dangerous" but everything in my gut was saying it was what i was meant to do, and that i would be ok. and i was.
i'd like to try and write about my adventures this year. i'm just not sure if it's a good idea. if i did, it'd be a hell of a story, but i still need to wrap my own mind around it. there was more that happened than just swimming out to the island, a lot more, but the night i swam out there the first time seemed like a very significant day. everything after that seemed significant too, but that was the first time i totally let go of my fears and just acted on pure faith. i continued to act on pure faith for the next few months. you can't explain pure faith actions to people. i don't even like to say that god was asking me to do these things. i feel like that was the case, but i didn't hear voices or anything like that, i just knew what i was supposed to do, and that it was part of the plan for the universe for me to do those things, that i had done them before, the last time the world went around, and that i will do it again some day, that it is what i do. what the universe chose for me to do. but i often wonder what it means for the universe, if what i did, though not violent or bad in any way might have scary results in some way, but i don't feel like that could be the case. i don't know. i don't know how to explain any of it, how intense it was, how fun, how important, how weird, how demanding.... it really was something, but i'm not surprized most people think that something is me just losing my mind. i plan to use 2011 to rest, reflect, recoup and to try not to let it bother me that people don't understand. i feel like some day they will. i know they will. i was certain of that as it was happening, but things are not as clear anymore now that i'm all drugged up and partially brainwashed from 2 months being locked up and told i was crazy.
anyway, i will get stronger and i will heal and i will be ready for whatever is asked of me in the future and i know i will be able to get through it all. peace and happy new year