i probably shouldn't be reposting this either, but i thought it was interesting...
i wrote: do you ever watch these documentaries on armageddon and nostradamus and hear about how satan and jesus are both coming back for the event and wonder if you might be one of them... or both? ... nah, me neither (i shouldn't be allowed to watch this shit) *sigh* (;
my friend zander replied (jokingly mostly i think): what if i'm the antichrist???
i joked back: i know, right? what if? how would we know???
i then went on to ramble:
i'm pretty sure i'm not the anti-christ, cuz he seems like someone who would be a powerful political leader or something like that, but jesus and the devil could be anyone... or the false prophet... lol. you know one time, 2 years ago when ...i was in the hospital, all the patients were convinced i was jesus and they all wanted me to save them. they referred to my mother as mary and one of them said they could smell some kind of flower that supposedly people smell when mary is present, when my mom came to visit. it was very unsettling. i have been told by others in other situations that they think i am jesus too. it kind of freaks me out. like especially what if i am? what am i supposed to do? probably not sit around smoking and watching nostradamas documentaries on tv... like what if i fail the world by being an unmotivated jesus... then maybe i would be satan. see... i could be both. lol. but seriously, i fit a lot of the descriptions of both jesus and the devil. i'm not evil though, at least not as a person, but maybe my just being on this earth and walking the strange path i walk could lead to the end of the world. it's crazy talk i realize, but it occupies my thoughts from time to time. sometimes i even have intense feelings like it is definitely so. except i somehow don't know which i am. could i be both? i probably couldn't be either, but you just never know... with all i've seen in the last few years it does seem like a distinct possibility that i could be either or both. one of my friends who went through a lot of similar "delusions" to mine calls me 2 face, referring to what she thinks is a definite that i am both... and she came to that conclusion before i even said anything about it. she also thinks she invented facebook though and thinks i need to stop talking about this stuff online because it is a matter of national security... but as crazy as she is, she says a lot of shit that makes far too much sense in this crazy world... kind of like i do
i probably should listen to my friend (Queen D, i call her) and not talk about shit like this on the internet cuz that's what got me hospitalized and forced on meds in the first place. i still don't think it's fair. i have a right to contemplate whether i may be involved in the force of the apocalypse if i want to. it doesn't make me a danger to myself or anyone else, it just creeps people out, but i don't feel like i deserve to be medicated and turned into a zombie just because i make people uncomfortable. people make me pretty uncomfortable by telling me they think i am jesus or the devil, and i suppose their input on that has caused me to feel a bit crazy from time to time, so maybe i am a danger to people by opening their minds to strange possibilities. i dunno. all things to contemplate i guess. for me to anyway... even though i doubt i'll have any answers until whenever i do, which i feel could be soon or could be never. i think too much, maybe my brain is dangerous...
so i was just wondering if anyone had any thoughts on this. i understand if you're thoughts are "are you still taking your meds?" but the answer to that is yes. i knew that the court ordered medication would not take these thoughts away from me, because there is something to them, even if i am not jesus or the devil, which i kind of hope i am neither. too much pressure for either one, but i especially hope i am not the devil. anyway, i guess these things are weird to think about, but it is also weird to meet so many people who think they could possibly be true about me. and to have seen the strange things i saw this spring and summer which i have no real explanation for, i sometimes think that my being one of these things WOULD be an explanation that could actually make sense, and since nothing else makes sense right now to explain what i went through, it does plague my mind a bit.