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Art by DJ Cliche'

fall is approaching. my favorite season as far as weather goes, my least favorite season as far as life goes. I think it has to do with the fact that school starts in the fall even though i dont go to school anymore.  People with PTSD often are triggered with flashbacks by weather, smells, dates, sounds, etc that they associted to their trauma. I had several traumatic events and thy happened at all different times over the years, but the most longterm ongoing trauma was being forced to go to school. i realize that no one was really at fault making me go to school. Kids are supposed to go to school. That's just how it works. And everyone is picked on, so it's normal also to tell your kids to ignore other people when they are mean, or whatever. But some kids are picked on more than others. I couldn't answer a question, pick up  a pen, look at another stuent, eat my lunch, ask to go to the bathroom, open my locker, walk down the hall, open a book, take out my backpack, sneeze or think without someody giving me nasty looks, threatening me, blackmailing me, touching my body innapropriately,  spitting on me, tripping me, throwing things at me, laughing at me, playing tricks on me, calling me names, throwing me up against a locker, telling me i was stupid, ugly, weird, "retarded", calling me a slut, whore, dyke, queer, druggie, idiot, fat, loser.... something. 
I do not exaggerate when i say 5 whole minutes without one of these things happening was a rare occurance. 
Every September i would start school saying "This year's gonna be different. I will stick up for mself. I will pay attention in class and get good grades" but by the beginning of October, i'd already be far behind everyone else, staring out the window , trying to ignore the humiliation. 
Fall for me is a reminder of failure. A reminder at how far behind i still am. I'm almst 29 and i forgot somwehere along the line to grow up with everyone else. Now my generation is in charge and i still have to bow down to them like an inferior because as long as they are in charge i am only a product of what they turned me into. F them.

So here is some art.
i painted this last night. It is acrylic paint. i finger painted it. ... Then thats me in the hat there.
Under the cut are a few more pictures. Sketches. i drew them a while ago for an alphabet book called "Oh Shit! I'm Old!"
it only has a few of the letters though. there are 6 pictures under the cut.



the last one is a picture i drew in the hospital of my cousins mike, kevin, emily, lizzy, james, ben and sam. I drew dylan and katie but t didn't really look enough like them.


( 14 comments — Leave a comment )
Aug. 19th, 2007 02:04 am (UTC)
:'(...((<--that's the sad face on AIM))
I like your alphabet book, though.
Aug. 19th, 2007 05:23 pm (UTC)
dont be sad. i'll make a better picture of you eventually. it just ended up looking nothing like you.
Aug. 19th, 2007 10:07 am (UTC)
I think it's a nice premise for a picture book :)
Aug. 19th, 2007 05:23 pm (UTC)
thanks (:
Aug. 19th, 2007 08:18 pm (UTC)
fuck i love your art. looks cool as always!
Aug. 20th, 2007 05:06 pm (UTC)
thank you. (:
Aug. 22nd, 2007 06:35 am (UTC)
i can relate - with the whole...being picked on at school thing.

the worst part about this year - are the reminders of going back to school last fall - and failing out so horribly and yeah - .... - it doesn't keep me up at night - but it is on my mind.

and it wasn't that the kids at university were mean - it was because i had NO IDEA how to fit in as a boy.

sometimes i think it was easier being female - somehow i just "knew the rules" and it was an easier game to play - this time around - it wasn't so easy.

university males play by different rules than do university females - there are different expectations - both in behaviour and language.

i became paranoid that through my class participation and written assignments that my professors would totally see through me - but they would see me as being female - because my brain is wired that way and well - its a complete reflection of how i talk.

i think i think and talk female - which fucks people up - cause then they think i'm gay - but i'm not - and it fucks them up even more.

so what i'm left with is - well - yeah...

so i'm back home now - no degree or masters in hand - and sometimes i wish it never happened.

i do love the art - and i think you have something with alliteration going on - i like the old folks home one - considering i used to work in long-term care. its cute.

i remind myself to breathe when i begin to think about it -

if we never made mistakes - we wouldn't be presented with opportunities for growth and development.

if we never failed at anything - we would never truely understand what it means to appreciate our successes.

if we never failed at anything - we would never feel the motivation to give it our all - to throw all of our passion and drive to accomplishing our goal - not out of FEAR of failing - but just the avoidance of feeling like a failure...

dunno - makes sense in my head - and its late - i'm pulling a night shift after working all day again.

ha - and then i work again right after this...

i love my jobs - i get to play - and play on the computer....*grinz*

*love and hugs brother*

- time heals all wounds - or so i've been told...
Aug. 22nd, 2007 07:24 am (UTC)
thanks. you make plenty sense, and i know what you mean about functioning as a male being confusing after being raised elsewise.
and i talk really girly too. i've been trying to work on talking lower. i am capable, but i dunno, i talk girly and people think i am either gay or a girl with a beard. its fuckin annoying
Aug. 23rd, 2007 09:28 am (UTC)
hi there, I like how you write and lots of what you write, you see I'm older but you strike a chord with my mind in lotsa ways ..:)
Aug. 23rd, 2007 05:30 pm (UTC)
thank you. i like people of all ages. i'm not ageist. i also feel like theres a lot to learn from people of different ages.
anyway, if you want to add me, i'll add u back. i see you are friends of jacq22 and sahm. i love them. u are also australian. yay. i live in the us and have not been to aussie yet, but i hope to. i have a lot of lj friends there. very cool country/continent...
Aug. 24th, 2007 12:47 am (UTC)
.. cool, I've added you, so add me back, ta ..:)
Aug. 25th, 2007 12:21 am (UTC)
i did (:
Aug. 24th, 2007 02:15 am (UTC)
yes sahm and jac are old friends, we go back a long way to another blog before lj. I'm looking forward to reading your stuff, oh and btw I love your art ..
Aug. 25th, 2007 12:22 am (UTC)
thank you and i look forward to reading yours as well.
( 14 comments — Leave a comment )


me with graffiti

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