i am doing a lot of hard work, and i recently remembered some old memories which helped to piece together some stuff which was not making sense... but what i remembered... god i wish it wasn't true. it is something no one would ever want to remember... i guess that is how a lot of my trauma is, but this thing is bigger in many ways than anything else i remembered, because it's something i did, and not something done to me. but i'm trying to remember to tell myself that i never would have done it if i weren't already traumatized... but i still wish i hadn't.
i am going to work on getting my sleep back on track without hospitalizations and i will call my friend when i am ready. i just don't know when that will be or if it will be too late.
thank you everyone for the help. peace