and today i got this zine in the mail. it is one of my zines, i think the last one i made, and possibly the best. i had forgotten all about it until at my cousin's graduation party, our sort of grandmother was talking about this "book" i made that she had. she said it had a purple cover, so i was totally confused because my zines are black and white, but i forgot i colored a bath of them with crayon. anyway, it was cool to get in the mail. and then i am going to explain the story behind the strange drawing on the front
i had this dream, several years ago... not too long after starting transition from FTM.
i dreamed that my mother's godchild was pregnant, and for some reason, i was present at the birth of her child. when the baby popped out, all it was was a giant head with one eye, like a cyclopes. my mother, her friend and her godchild all screamed when they saw the baby, and the baby screamed back. "take it away!!" they yelled, and the doctors took the baby away, but a few days later, it was time to take the baby home. my mother was there to support her friend and her daughter, my mother's godchild, as they figured a way to deal with this freak of a child they brought home. the women gathered and planned how they were going to be able to face their peers with a giant head to call a child. as they talked about the horror of the situation, i sat with the head child and entertained it. she was definitely weird looking, but when she looked at me, her one eye lit up and smiled and i could tell that it loved me because i was the only one who clearly loved it. so i looked after the child as their mom's and grandmom's tried to figure out what to do. then i overheard something terrible. they said that the best idea was to kill the child and make it look like an accident. as the adults were deep in plan, i took the baby and snuck it out the back door. suddenly, we were on the run, and when the women figured out what had happened, their plans changed. they were going to track us down, kill the baby and make it look like i had killed the child. the dream got very fast. we were running and hiding. we made it a long way, but were still being followed. the more we were chased, after time, the giant head grew feet to run with and arms with hands on them so that it could hold my hand as we ran. then i woke up. but i knew the dream had deep meaning and i drew a picture of the head baby, the best i could remember it, as a symbol of my struggle as a person born a sort of a freak. i am proud of the way i was born, and in my dream, i loved the baby head, and felt deep sorrow for what i knew it was going to have to deal with, if we indeed could outrun the people trying to kill it... the people who made it. it was deep.