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fun times with ptsd

there was a bang on my door. the bell i have hanging from the door for the cat rang. then it was quiet, so i assumed the cat threw herself against the door, but then there was more banging, and then yelling and banging. i froze. i considered calling the landlord, but then considered that it might be him. i considered calling the cops, but then considered that i have already decided not to call cops for help anymore considering their feelings toward me. i considered going to the door to see who was there, but then considered it would be better just to stand frozen until they go away.
it kept up, and i moved closer. my neighbors down the hall came out to see what was going on. apparently no one was banging on my door. my neighbor across the hall locked himself out of his apartment and was trying to bang his door down. his door is a foot and a half across from mine, so it sounded like it was my door. there is still some commotion out there. i'm not sure what is going on, but the important thing is that they are not banging on my door.
i still feel a little anxious. bad thoughts had indeed entered my head. fear that people were here to kill me or to warn me for something in store. i don't generally worry about those things anymore, but i don't feel i am safe from the possibility of it happening. especially because i have been very "out" lately on the internet and going to the dyke march and meeting new ftm friends. i know the hate for GLBT people has grown stronger over the past few years instead of the other way around. i always have to be prepared for people to think i am an abomination.
anyway. the noise has stopped and i am calm again. i rode this wave nicely.


( 10 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 25th, 2009 04:54 am (UTC)
I understand. My father is a Vietnam vet and I had a lot of tense experiences with him, PTSD and growing up. I also worked at a veteran's mental health clinic during college and worked closely with the PTSD clinician.

Just to send a sympathetic ear.

peace of mind to you.
Jun. 25th, 2009 09:04 pm (UTC)
thank you. peace to you too
Jun. 25th, 2009 05:10 am (UTC)
I wouldn't worry about it, I've been flipping out when people come to my door for over a decade now. My friends too! If they don't call I hardly answer, just how it is. Otherwise I'm a fine friend I think...
And with the out thing like, seriously I just saw a pride parade in the world of warcraft that went well, don't fret about it. (it was the barrens too which is notoriously vicious) I think despite what it looks like in the media things are going well with civil rights. I do tend to be optimistic but eh... we've come along way.

Anyhow yeah man, the lawn here is unkept because it ain't my job and the landlord hasn't been doing it. So the city's been coming here like everyday, I'm about to put a sign with an arrow directing them towards the landlord aka someone who will actually give a damn and or can do something about it... Otherwise I stay asleep or keep playing video games because fuck it.
Jun. 25th, 2009 09:12 pm (UTC)
i live in an apartment building, so if there is someone at my door and i did not let them in, it's usually a bad sign.
that is interesting about the world of warcraft pride parade. i have never played the game, but it's interesting to me that there was a pride parade there, because it is sort of another world right here in this world... weird stuff.
violence against the glbt community, especially trans community has risen 28% in the last year. there are some very powerful people right now with a lot of hate for the community who are organizing hate crimes. i like to try to remember that for the most part, civil rights have improved greatly over the years, but i am concerned about this recent increase
Jun. 25th, 2009 09:50 pm (UTC)
I don't know, I've lived apts too and just not answered the door. People understand... plus there's lots of soliciting and stuff I dunno. What that person said about the peephole in the door helps for sure, I look out the window sometimes too.

Yeah wow is real cool, it's a virtual space that has kind of a micro sample of everything that happens in the real world sort of. It's been years since I played it though, but I remember pretty much just talking about whatever with people there. I think the climate used to be real different on there, but it seems to be getting better the bigger the wow community gets. Things like that are real social obviously and so once people see that they look like fools bashing and hating on ppl and that nobody else does it, they stop... or they don't and continue to look like fools, either way really.

There's lots of weird stuff going on with sexuality and games right now, Xbox is banning people that discuss their preference at all one way or the other on their gamertags (which is rediculous, all humans are sexual and it's mostly adults on that system) and just some crazy awful on the Microsoft side... on the otherhand the new GTAIV expansion is literally called The Ballad of Gay Tony... so it's a mixed bag really. Star Wars MMO wasn't going to let people be gay, but then with further investigation into the universe they found out that there's tons of characters with all sorts of crazy sex going on in some of the spin off books, so another win there because they apologized and everything.

I wouldn't let hate bother ya, I lived in some crap areas of the south and have seen some sick stuff, but people seem way more tolerant these days and hell, we got a black president! Off the hook really.
Jun. 26th, 2009 01:53 am (UTC)
wow. lots to learn about all that gamer stuff. i know nothing about it. can you believe michael jackson died? crazy
Jun. 26th, 2009 01:58 am (UTC)
I know man! It is crazy!
Dude was young too!
Jun. 26th, 2009 02:42 am (UTC)
yeah. i was shocked.
Jun. 25th, 2009 07:29 am (UTC)
you need a small spy hole in your front door so you can look out and see before opening .. I am sorry those thoughts came to haunt you, it's quite understandable that they would tho :) You did well ..
Jun. 25th, 2009 09:16 pm (UTC)
i do have a spy hole in my door, but i am too short to see through it... i have a stool, but right now there i a tv on it. and honestly, i was too nervous to look through the hole while the door was being banged on.
but anyway, i am just relieved it was nothing serious
( 10 comments — Leave a comment )


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