djcliche (djcliche) wrote,

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Sticks and Man

I found this stick over by Spy Pond. It was in the water, so when i took it out, the bark was very easy to peel off of it. As i peeled it, i flashed back to summer of 1993, another time i peeled bark off a stick, when i was being lectured by a man i looked up to for my behavior. He was warning me that my behavior could get me into trouble. We had a love/hate relationship. He could see something in me that i could not see yet, and he was trying to keep me safe.
There was another adult role model in my life who warned me about the man. She went into no detail, but told me i should just stay away from him. I knew she was right, because i could feel there was something wrong behind my relationship to the man. The thing is, he never did anything that could be thought of as "inappropriate". But over the years i got the idea that he had not really finished growing up, and that that might have had something to do with everything. But i also think he just knew too much for his own good and knew i needed to be saved... he did come in the form of a "saver"... so i don't know. I always wanted to be saved. Not necessarily in a religious sense though.
Anyway. I thought about stuff while i peeled the bark and how the only one who can save me is myself. It's a big job. That just sort of came out, but that's it exactly... saving Jymi Cliche is a BIG FUCKIN JOB. I'm not where i want to be, but i am doing so much better than i was. I was drowning and couldn't remember how to swim. The shock of almost dying triggered me in a different direction though and i decided to fight to live. I have come very far, and i will come a lot further. It is a big job. I am nursing myself back to health, and i am doing it on my own. I have saved myself from an almost certain death, to pretty much as uncertain a death as anyone else.
I hope that in time i will take even better care of myself and be able to be super proud of myself, but i guess i am kind of proud even now of how far i have come. I feel so much pain though.... it really fucking hurts sometimes. I live with so much guilt and shame from the past... even now. Kicking my friend out of my place made me feel very guilty. But i know i am doing it to take care of myself. I'm not drowning anymore, but i'm still in the water and out of breath. I've become frail. It is easy to peel off my bark.

I pulled this stick out of the water today. I want it to symbolize pulling myself out with it.

Tags: guilt, memories, mental health, mental illness, nature, recovery, religion, spy pond

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