January 9th, 2011


my medication journey

i saw this video the other day. it's a simulated psychiatrist visit. it really hit home with me because it's utter nonsense and reminds me a lot of what i have been going through lately. i went through some traumatic shit and it DID effect my mental health to some extent, but what i needed was to get away from the trauma, NOT to be court ordered to take anti-psychotic medication that makes me feel even worse. you can't treat trauma symptoms with psych meds, no matter what the med pushing doctors think. i need therapy, and things that are good for the soul, and for the traumatic shit to stop. i don't need to be told that i am delusional, that my trauma is not real, and i did not need threats of state hospitalization, or being locked up in a holding cell with no theraputic programs for 2 months. i did not need my human rights taken away from me. i was not hurting anyone and i was perfectly happy. i was stressed out and had some anxiety, but i have very good coping skills to deal with that, most of which i could not access in the hospital and now that i'm on anti-psychotics, all the creative juices have left me. i haven't done any art in awhile and that depresses me. art is one of my coping skills, not to mention, what i used to live for, what made me happy. they had no right to force me on meds. they lied and cut corners and cheated by threatening me and making things up in court to get the "rodgers" (court ordered meds) and now i don't even have the freedom to not put something in my body that not only makes me feel like shit, but isn't good for me physically. like in this video, the meds i am on can cause diabetes and i am already dangerously close because of the meds i took for half my life for misdiagnosed bipolar disorder. lithium caused me to gain 200 pounds in 2 years, and i have lost some, but am still very overweight because of medication. i have been diagnosed with about 20 different things since i was 15. the best doctor i had, who helped me the most, and who was not a med pusher and did not work for the state, explained that i had complex post traumatic stress disorder (a few of the best i've worked with told me this) and explained that people with c-ptsd are often diagnosed with lots of things, because our symptoms vary when we are under stress. i have read a lot about c-ptsd and it is definitely what i have. it is not a medical condition. it is not a brain inbalence. it is trauma related stress and meds have no effect on this condition. anxiety meds like xanax, klonapin and ativan can help with panic attacks, but because they are highly addictive, are not the best idea. DBT, CBT, therapy, coping skills, etc, are the best ways to treat C-PTSD or PTSD and i do these things and they do help. they practically cured me until thetrauma in my life started up again, and the trauma was the only real problem in the spring. the trauma, and then the fact that i openly talked about the trauma online and with certain people who were uncomfortable hearing about it or thought i was making it up... or knew i wasn't making it up, but since they were the source OF the trauma, didn't like me talking about it publically for everyone to hear.
anyway... watch this video. it's about 7 minutes and is in computer voices, but if you're curious at all about what i have been dealing with, and why i am so frustrated, i think it is worth checking out.