November 4th, 2010

me with graffiti

going crazy

What happened when i went from living as female to male to just me is that i lost my grip on the game of life. It doesn't happen to everyone who transitions, though i have seen it happen to a few. Living as female seemed like a lie, so i tried to live as male, but in just a short amount of time, i learned that that felt like a lie as well. I lost a lot of people in my life during my transition including my wife at the early stages of becoming a man and i stopped trying to please others and just went with trying to please myself. Due to that and some of the traumatic events that happened during that time period, i don't really know how to pretend anymore. I don't fit into any boxes. I have a body but i AM a soul. I stopped seeing myself as the body i live in despite the fact that we live in such a body-centric world. It can be scary to live as free as i do, to look at not just myself, but everyone as souls. It opened my eyes to a lot of truth that most others are just plain UN-able to see. I am not bragging, but i am so strangely unique that i stand out in a crowd. I am a bit of a target because of it actually. Some would say i'm a freak, and i wouldn't necessarily disagree with them, and while i don't see it as an insulting term, it's not one i am trying to claim either. I've always been a bit of a freak, but once upon a time it was part of the role i was playing and now it just is.
In a way, i feel like i would be safer and maybe could be happier if i could figure out an act to play again and make it work for me, although while it may be true that i would be safer in doing so, i probably WOULDN'T be happier. All the years where i had an "act" going for me, where i was able to fit in with a crowd and be seen as a semi-functional member of society, i was very, very unhappy. I was suicidal every day for the majority of my life. It wasn't until my nervous breakdown, when i broke free of society's ability to make me one of theirs, that i broke free inside my soul and i have not been suicidal once since. It is a relief not to feel that intense pain every day that i felt back then, but sometimes it is a bit lonely. People don't know what to make of me anymore. I don't "compute" with normal human beings. I am too free for most people. In fact, i make people so uncomfortable, that i have been court ordered to go on anti-psychotic medications even though i pose no threat to myself or anyone else. The freer i am, the more uncomfortable i make people. I'm not mad that i am on forced medication though because the more and more free of a soul i became, i guess i was starting to feel like i had no shield whatsoever, and that was a bit scary at times and overwhelming, even for me. Still, ever since i have been on the medication, i do have a lot more sadness than i had in the past few years. It is a bit of a medication restraint on my soul and that can be bothersome because i LIKE being free, but i also felt like i was possibly going to spontaneously combust the way things were going. I guess it doesn't hurt to be slowed down a bit, locked up a bit, if it means that i can live, because in my extreme freedom, i was beginning to see things that i feel like people should not be able to see until after they die. I saw paradise and walked through other worlds and looked God in the eye and saw my dead grandfather waiting for me and people walking around in this world who didn't belong here and it was such a miraculous experience, but it made me question what it meant for me to be seeing it. Not to mention that it made me seem crazy to talk about it, just as it probably seems now, but i don't believe i am crazy. I think i am just really, really free, but maybe that is the same thing sometimes. I don't know. I don't pretend to understand any of what i went through, but i definitely went through it. It wasn't just in my head and i don't really understand it. I would like to see it again though, it was very exciting, but i do think i was walking a thin line between life and death, and since i now wish to live, it might not be such a bad thing to be medically restrained from walking that thin line. I do know there were people who heard my stories of what i was going through, who it triggered to have memories of their own past lives, and experiences in other worlds at other times, which lead me to understand that we are ALL souls, and that souls live forever, although sometimes they break into their own beings, some stronger than others. My spring and summer this past year i seemed to have completely lost it, but some people started to see that maybe i had it together more than the average joe. I still don't have all the answers, but i got closer to them than most "sane" people do and it was truly fascinating. I hope to feel that sense of connection to the world again, even if it does make me seem crazy, it was worth it.