April 7th, 2010

oooh baby

Writer's Block: Forget me not

What is your earliest vivid memory? Why do you think this memory stands out so much in your mind?

my earliest clear memory was age 2, in my backyard on the swings with my cousin who is 11 days younger than me. i asked her how old she was. she said two. i said i'm two too. and we both laughed an laughed. i remember i thought it was funny because it was the same word twice, and it sounded funny. it blew my mind at the time. however, my cousin thought it was funny because of the word tutu. it may have blown her mind as well that the words two and too together made a third word meaning a whole other thing or she may have just been amused by the word tutu. i am not sure. but she was trying to tell m what a tutu was and i remember i had no idea what she meant and i felt really stupid. she was very into all the things that "girls" are into. she loved ballet and princesses and madonna and she was in love with michael jackson and wanted to marry him and she knew about all these things that i didn't. i felt stupid a lot of the time around her that i was not up on what was cool in the world of a girl our age the way she was.

i think the main reason that memory is clear is because we talked about it from time to time throughout the years AND in high school i had a friend from acting class who pretended to be my twin brother for awhile. we had this whole story going, and there were tons of people who thought we really were related. we would use our improvisational skills to keep the whole thing going, and it was originally meant to help us as actors, but it did bring some trouble on us because we were technically lying to our friends. is wasn't meant to be a hurtful lie, but lies are lies and we had to deal with consequences... but anyway, there was one time we were improvising/talking about about our childhood memories and i brought that up in a sort of "remember the time we...?" kind of way and the story was a hit so we used it a lot... just the part about me asking him (my "twin") how old he was and him saying two and me saying "i'm two too" and how we laughed. so that is probably a big reason i do remember that moment with my cousin so well, because i retold it so many times, but this is the first time i think i've ever mentioned the part about her trying to explain what a tutu was and me feeling stupid about it. i still remember it, but i didn't really feel comfortable with that part of the story because i associated it with self hate and jealousy and confusion. and i really didn't see how there was any importance to that part of the memory anyway, but as i have gotten older, and especially since transitioning from female to male, i can see how that part of the memory is just as important, if not more.

and the interesting thing i wonder about is if i had not kept the other part of the story "alive" for so long, would i have even remembered the details about not understanding the girl stuff, and how that fed into my self hate? and i kind of think i would not have remembered those details if i hadn't kept the other part of the memory alive the way i did. and it makes me wonder if some part of my subconscious knew it was important and that i should embed it into my brain for later use.