November 20th, 2009

me with graffiti

something i wrote around the beginning of my transition

you don't fool me by jymi cliche

I’m not normal and i’m not the same…when i think something sucks i don’t call it lame.
i don’t call people retards, that just ain’t my game. Making fun of others won’t pave my way to fame. I’m insane and not cuz i think it’s cool to claim. I got a long list of diagnoses and been places that attempt to tame the brain damage of those of us who came too late--or too soon…. We’re just awkward dudes like Benny and Joon, people givin’ us nicknames like “Jymi the Loon”- tellin’ us to go back to the moon cuz they just can’t understand why we don’t play the hand that we were dealt. But if only they knew what if felt like to have a couple of twos, a three and a five,…a daily battle to try and survive--- a place where we just don’t fit in, and when the day begins at high noon, we’re still lyin’ in bed just wishin’ we were dead …instead of the pain we endure with everybody slammin’ the door in our face every day cuz we’re different, we’re gay. People say that we’re ugly or fat or see us chat to invisible men, who just may or may not exist- but that’s not for you to say, just cuz you don’t see it, don’t mean it’s not there. Scientific explanation’s not usually fair to those of us who dare to do what we need to do, unlike some of you we choose love over greed, takin’ only what we need out of life…a pair of clean jeans, a pocket knife some good music and a wife. I don’t ask for much, but some say i do just cuz they’re not used to people like me who will be exactly who we are- I’ll drive an old car just as long as it gets me as far as i need to go. I’ll take it slow and tiptoe. I’ve been patient. I’ve even been IN-patient at the local ER for twelve hours just to find out they wanna send me home to where i’ll be alone, they’ll called on the phone they say, every hospital in town and all the other towns around, and nobody’s got beds, so i shiver in the gown they forced me to wear the moment i got there cuz God forbid i had a razor in my pocket or a sharp piece of metal to stick in a light socket…all this stupid bullshit they dream up so they can come up with a plan to strip me of my comfort and have me sit there, shaking and scared, just scratching my beard til eventually i feel so weird that i run out of tears. The doctor comes in sayin’ “Jym, you’ll be fine, these nurses of mine have watched you for a bit, you didn’t throw a fit and you’re no danger so you are fit to go. Just take it slow. Don’t snort blow, be careful drivin’ in the snow. Go to church, don’t be a ho. Obey the law or you may end up on death row- learn how to sew, wear dresses, smile pretty and whadaya know? Pretty soon you’ll be all better, you’ll be writing love letters and knitting winter sweaters. You’ll be happy, you’ll be fixed, you’ll be dancing with chicks and looking at dicks instead of wishin’ you had one one, thinking you’re a son and not a daughter, not much in life is odder than a person confused about the body they use and have used for years. I’m sick of you Queers comin’ in here complaining people stare when you share a kiss with your lovers, Go home! Go indoors and under your covers if that’s what you’re gonna do, I’m discharging you!
There are people who deserve a bed more than you. These people can afford to pay room and board, and praise the only Lord. They don’t question the rules cuz the rules were made for them, normal white men, not weirdo’s like you. Goodbye now, I’ll have my nurse give you back your shoes.
You can go home, turn on your TV, watch some shows and learn to be a rose, not a thorn. Stop blowing your horn. It makes too much noise, You’ll wake up the boys- the boys who need to rest to become the best this world has ever seen, Republicans, not green, Hell Yeah! They’ll be mean, beating women till they’re lean, Fuckin’ with the minds of pre-teens till everyone believes what we say. You believe me, right KERI?
Go home, you’ll be fine. I’ll drop you a line to make sure you’re doing good… stay out of the hood. The people there bite. You’re lucky you’re white. If you weren’t you just might not survive and stay alive. You just need a little strive.
Hey nurse, KERI’s ready, SHE’s stable and steady.
“Umm, no” I explain, lookin’ out the window as it rains.
“If there’s an emergency just call us” they lie and try to assure me that it’ll all be okay. But i just spent my whole day on this emergency call, and i was sent away, so i walk down the hall into the day...or night whatever time it might be, i dunno, i’m CRAZY cuz i’ve done this more than once. I must be a dunce to put myself through it, but there’s really nothing to it. I’m used to being told i’m not wanted- wherever i go, i seem to be haunted by the same few words…
“you’re not like us”
“go away”… “stop making such a fuss”
But i won’t stop until somebody stops me, and even then i’ll keep going
like the energizer bunny, not cuz it’s cliché and unfunny, but because i’m really here,
I wanna live my life without the fear of being hurt for who i am. If i say that i’m a man, don’t call me ma’am. I wanna be respected,
not hunted down and inspected cuz some assholes detected that i was different than they were. I do not deserve murder cuz you decide i’m a her or a she who just wants to be a he .
Brandon Teena was like me and many others… all sisters and brothers. So much the same, with so many names and so many shames from playing their games.
But i won’t anymore. I live to restore everything that i broke,
people i hurt when i spoke out of my ass, when i thought all i was doing was making a joke…before i awoke from the haze of my last toke when i was using. Sometimes i'm using, sometimes i'm not. Right now i am, I smoke weed like a ham.
I’m not perfect, i admit it. I fuck up all the time. When i walk in the park
i’m tempted by the guy selling drugs by the dime. I just wanna buy the drugs and escape this ugly place, but my job is to live the best that i can and i will face the future with you if you’re willing to do what i do and be true to what you knew when you were two, before they had you caring bout the brands you were wearing.
before they had you hearing only the news they were sharing,
sitting on your couch, eating Olestra and fearing what will happen if you don’t buy their bullshit, but you think that it’s real, cuz you’re brainwashed and feel like you’ll never be as good as they want you to be. You join their Army’s to be all you can be but you already were and they fooled you but they WON’T FOOL ME!