August 27th, 2009

me with graffiti

update

okay. so i think i am not going to go into the hospital over my sleep issues. i really didn't want to anyway, but a couple people had told me i should. now that some of my good friends have told me you think i should not go in, i wonder what was the motive behind the people telling me i should... but either way, i'm glad i talked about it and got some good feedback.

i am doing a lot of hard work, and i recently remembered some old memories which helped to piece together some stuff which was not making sense... but what i remembered... god i wish it wasn't true. it is something no one would ever want to remember... i guess that is how a lot of my trauma is, but this thing is bigger in many ways than anything else i remembered, because it's something i did, and not something done to me. but i'm trying to remember to tell myself that i never would have done it if i weren't already traumatized... but i still wish i hadn't.

i am going to work on getting my sleep back on track without hospitalizations and i will call my friend when i am ready. i just don't know when that will be or if it will be too late.

thank you everyone for the help. peace
me with graffiti

Keepin' It Real by Jymi Cliche

sights and sounds
invade my life
like being held down
by hounds
as they take their rounds
and they try to devour me
yet another hour's gone by
and i can see
the things i would rather forget-
my few true regrets
and i'm set
to change my ways
but i still sleep thru the days
because my dreams
are telling me things...
things i need to learn
when will it be my turn?
and do i deserve one?
i think i do now
but the past still
makes me ask how
i could ever have snapped
to the point
where it'd take
almost 30 years
to snap back.
if i could just go back
i'd have taken that smack
over these daily attacks
my anxiety's whack
and i can't take back my mistakes.
so instead i feel a stake
in my heart
and my mind tends to flake.
but i'm much stronger now
and harder to break.
i thank the lord or whoever
that my soul will now live forever
and i know you can never say never
because i thought i'd never
get better and never heal.
now here i am in the flesh
almost 31
and keeping it real.