June 24th, 2009

cray pas

fun times with ptsd

there was a bang on my door. the bell i have hanging from the door for the cat rang. then it was quiet, so i assumed the cat threw herself against the door, but then there was more banging, and then yelling and banging. i froze. i considered calling the landlord, but then considered that it might be him. i considered calling the cops, but then considered that i have already decided not to call cops for help anymore considering their feelings toward me. i considered going to the door to see who was there, but then considered it would be better just to stand frozen until they go away.
it kept up, and i moved closer. my neighbors down the hall came out to see what was going on. apparently no one was banging on my door. my neighbor across the hall locked himself out of his apartment and was trying to bang his door down. his door is a foot and a half across from mine, so it sounded like it was my door. there is still some commotion out there. i'm not sure what is going on, but the important thing is that they are not banging on my door.
i still feel a little anxious. bad thoughts had indeed entered my head. fear that people were here to kill me or to warn me for something in store. i don't generally worry about those things anymore, but i don't feel i am safe from the possibility of it happening. especially because i have been very "out" lately on the internet and going to the dyke march and meeting new ftm friends. i know the hate for GLBT people has grown stronger over the past few years instead of the other way around. i always have to be prepared for people to think i am an abomination.
anyway. the noise has stopped and i am calm again. i rode this wave nicely.