June 1st, 2009

djcliche

1st of tha month

it's the 1st of the month and i am feeling kind of depressed and stuck and confused. i feel like i got myself back into a bad situation which i am now stuck in. i need help staying strong and sticking up for myself. i let someone into my life who is often bad for me and my mental health. i don't know that getting them out of my life is a solution or even possible.

life is very complicated. ya know? there are times when you are actually supposed to be selfish and then times when you are not. i get them confused sometimes. i get a lot of things confused. in some ways i am very intelligent, but in other ways i am literally retarded. i know the term "idiot savant" is considered offensive to some people, but i think it is a very accurate explanation of who i am. probably more accurate than the word "retarded" which i know is also offensive. i like to think of my mental illness as a gift, because in some ways it really is, but today it feels less like a gift and more of a curse. and i will always feel misunderstood to some degree by people who do not have a mental illness. i know not everyone judges me poorly for it, but many people do. many key people in my life do.

but anyway... hey. it's the 1st of the month, so we celebrate it by listening to this song by bone thugs n harmony...

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