May 16th, 2009

cray pas

A Blurb About My Past

As many of you know, i love Tupac. I think he was an amazing artist and story teller with a tragic life story. One of the first songs of his that i fell in love with was Brenda's Got A Baby.
It is a song about a 12 year old girl who gets pregnant by her older cousin.
I've always related to this song. When i first heard it, when it came out years ago, i couldn't even listen to it. I hated it actually, but i was younger then, and closer to it.
When i was 12 years old, i thought i was pregnant. I'm still unsure to this day if i was or not. I remember at the time, being 12 years old and stupid like 12 year olds are in so many ways, i was actually excited by the idea that i might be pregnant. I wanted to run away with a man i was sort of seeing. He was 26 years old and said he was 23 and i had told him i was 16, not 12. While i may have looked 16, he must have known i was lying when he picked me up a few times at my middle school.
I was at a friend's house one day and i had to run to the bathroom with extreme pains in my stomach and other places. i sat on the toilet and blood and other grossness came out of me. i panicked and flushed the toilet and then told my friend that i had an abortion in her bathroom. she said i was crazy and that was a horrible thing to say. i decided not to tell anyone else and didn't for years...
It always stayed on my mind though, wondering if that really happened, and if so, how it felt like such a loss, but was obviously a blessing. Imagine if i had been pregnant and ran away to live with a sex offender? I'd have been on the street selling crack for sure.
It's interesting to think about how my life could have taken such a different turn, and how instead here i am, 30 years old, learning to live as a man.
I made a lot of stupid decisions as a kid and paid for many of them three fold, but whatever happened that day seemed like God was stepping in to fix things a bit. And at the time, i was not grateful, because i was unable to see what i do now.

here's Tupac with Brenda's Got a Baby