it is 5:30 in the morning and i am back on the computer. i originally went to bed at 10 pm, then laid there til 12:30am. i didn't sleep so i got up and talked to an old friend online til about 2:30am. i tried to go back to sleep but no luck. here i am again. it looks like it isn't gonna happen tonight. this sucks, because i am supposed to go to my program today. i am either going to go in at 9:30am and stay til noonish or i'm going to fall asleep at 9:30am and sleep til 4 and miss the program all together. either way, i'll probably miss motivational anger, DBT skills and my writing class.
i'm so incredibly tired. i dunno why i can't fall asleep. i took my night meds and everything. i wonder if something big is happening in the world and that is somehow why i cant sleep. a few of my friends seemed to have a sleepless night last night too.
dissociation feels like if you've ever taken too much cough syrup, whether it be by accident or on purpose. you see everything happening around you, but you don't feel like you're there. when you are driving, you want to watch the happy cars go by in your rear view mirror instead of watching the road. when you talk, you can't follow what you are saying, even if others can (which sometimes they can). everything feels like a dream.
dissociation for me is also sometimes a sign that one of my other personalities are looking to come out and play. dissociation is often "triggered" by things that remind you of the trauma you went through. in this case, my dissociation was caused mainly by lack of sleep. but talking in group today i realized i have also been triggered by facebook. i love facebook because i have made a lot of new friends and i can keep in touch with my old friends. But lately something that's been going on on facebook is that people from my town that i grew up in have seen me listed as being from there and having gone to school there and graduated in 1996. A lot of people just add me because they see i graduated with them and see that their other friends seem to know me, but several of them, after i added them back have said to me "who are you anyway? you look familiar, but i dont recognize the name, Jymi Cliche... and that is of course because they knew me as Keri E. So i don't know what to say except be honest. i say you used to know me as Keri E, it's been a long time. I found out when i was in my 20s that i was born both genders and i always felt more like a guy than a girl. Of course, this freaks people out and they either don't respond or they unfriend me. (mostly they just don't respond), but it has been a source of stress to come out to these people.
The other thing that is triggering is that these people were part of my life when some very horrible shit went down. i still have nightmares of being in classrooms with these people, while being called a whore for a bad night of choices that led to me being attacked. The people i have friended on facebook were for the most part, pretty good to me during those years, but just going to school every day was so traumatic to me that i had to leave school all together and go to an alternative school. The people who i keep in touch with from my alternative school have been much more supportive of my transition, but that is no surprise. All the kids there had fucked up life situations that sent them to that school and made them more open minded.
Anyway, so i'm just dealing with that and dealing with the fact that i am in a dissociative state, with a hint of clarity at least. I'm gonna attempt to sleep now. i really hope i can fall asleep this time cuz dissociation is not fun
the other thing that bothered me today was that during my dissociation, i went into the gas station next door to my program to buy catfood and soda and a man who goes to the program upstairs from mine (for the more severe mentally ill) had just left the gas station. apparently he had said some weird stuff, and for the whole time i was in there, i listened to the clerks and the shoppers talk about how crazy the guy was and how weird he was and they were not gonna let him come back in the store. it makes me sad that people are so unaccepting of the mentally ill, especially when so many of us try so hard and fight a battle every day. so i was kinda bummed by that, but was in no shape to speak up cuz i was out of it myself.