January 26th, 2009

redblue blunt

Punk Ass

i've been a total punk this week.

i have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from childhood and especially one thing that happened when i was twelve, but i just went through a shitload of extra trauma recently, and i realized i am not in "post trauma" with those things. I am still traumatized, which makes things very complicated. I know i need to let myself feel all the suckiness, but i'm afraid it'll all come at once and that i won't be able to take that stress, so insted the process is a bit slowed down. i feel every now and then... i feel now, but i just want to be numb. Yet i know i can't heal when i'm numb.
I'm trying to socialize but i'm not sure that's going too well. I'm not me right now. I haven't felt like me in months to be honest and probably longer than that but i didn't even realize it at first.
I dunno. I'm sure i'll come back. Maybe i'm just not ready yet. I'm just frustrated. I know there's more i can be doing, but my fears and feelings just get in the way.
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