July 6th, 2008

me with graffiti


my cat is on the floor playing with a bracelet.
i am about to smoke a clove cigarette.

i feel very sorry for having acted like a fool. i really hate what my mental illness lead to.
i'm trying to get better. i'm really working on it.
i caused a lot of people to worry about me. i want people to stop worrying about me. For that, i will have to stay in control of my actions. It is hard work, but doable.

i also want to try to get a job. i don't really know the best way of going about that. Because i have been sick for the last 15 years, i dont have a lot of job experience. I've been in and out of hospitals for 15 years and i consider my blog and my art to be my jobs, but i make no money on either. i wish that i could make something work so that i could be paid for the work i do.

does anyone have any suggestions for how i might make some money or a career out of what i do? i feel like "fuck, i am 30 years old and have no life" you know? and i was searching for all the reasons why, but the truth is, i've been sick for a long time. I just don't know where to even start. I've applied and been denied so many times in the past for jobs that are in my range and i just dont even know what kind of job would hire me. I want a job though. I dont feel like a real part of society without one.