June 26th, 2008

me with graffiti


Comment and i will do this for you.
I will choose 5 or 6 icons i'm curious about of yours, and you will make a post showing and explaining them.
Here are the ones that were chosen for me. 

 this icon was made by neitherday . She is an animal lover. i love animals too, and squirrils are everywhere around here. Sometimes they do the cutest things. Plus, my Italian grandmother calls them "bitches", and i've always found great humor in that. One time she said "those bitches are building condos in my gutter". She is funny, my Nana.

 I made this icon last fall from a picture i took in Rockport, MA of a rotting cut up pumpkin. It was fall and i wanted a fall icon, and this seemed like a good picture to use

 I made this icon using the cover of Pink Floyd's "Momentary Lapse of Reason" album art. On the cover, there are what seems like an infinate number of beds all up and down the beach and a man on one. I spent 3 years of my life locked up in mental hospitals (which these beds remind me of and possibly are meant to symbolize). Sometimes i regret "wasting" all that time being locked away. But the fact that they are on the beach represents the true me, that loves nature, especially the ocean. The me that does not want to be locked up. The me that sees God in every wave that comes to shore. So the picture is like my mental battle, "where do i belong?" and lately i've belonged in the hospital, because i have been sick, but i'm starting to see that the beach and nature in general is really where my soul is allowed to be free. The beach makes me happy.

 This icon kind of scares me and i may get rid of it. I have never shot heroin that i can recall, but during my delusional period, i believed that maybe an adult in my childhood had given me drugs to calm me down. so this icon was meant to represent that. i have always had a curiousity about heroin, and i did snort it once and it was everything i thought it would be. It is a drug that numbs you. Luckily, i recognized that and the fact that being numb is not a good state of being for me and i never touched it again, and will not touch it again.

 This icon i found on a free icon web site. I think that it is Andy Warhol in the picture (a pop artist). I don't even really know what i think of Andy Warhol. i have mixed feelings about him. But i wanted an icon about art that made people think a bit, for when i post my art up. I don't think i can really explain much else about the icon though, as i didn't make it.  It's best left to the imagination.

BTW all of these icons are free to take if you like them. peace.
me with graffiti

Something to Believe In

Ever since my wife left, i've been searching for Something to believe in.
I have believed in the wrong things.
I believe in God now. Not in a religious hoobly doo way, but in a way that i believe that God is looking out for us all.
The bad things that happened to me were because i was looking for bad.
That might not be the case for everyone, but for me it was.
My family has always tried to protect me.
I wanted to know what they were trying to protect me from, and i found it everywhere i looked.
I want to be safe and happy.
I want to live in peace.
I believe that God will give me that if that is what i search for, instead of always investigating the bad stuff. I need to leave the bad stuff alone.
This is not an easy thing with temptation always knocking at the door. But i know right from wrong. I need to stop doing things that will make me feel guilty after. When i feel guilty, i lie, and when i lie, i cause problems for myself and everyone around me, and then i feel guiltier.
Ever since my wife left, i have been so filled with guilt. I need to forgive myself for the bad things i've done, and know that if i change into a better person, i will not feel this horrid guilt that causes me to hallucinate a false past.

This has been a learning experience.
I scared some people recently. I keep doing that. I don't mean to, but it happens when i feel guilt. Guilt is a very strong emotion. But i know that if i change for the better, the guilt will stop.

I miss my friends, but understand why they have backed away from me for the last while. I was caught up in the guilt and making everyone suffer for it. It was unfair. I am sorry and i am working on changing that.

Peace, Jymi Cliche