June 5th, 2008

brick NO

Am i Racist?

this is a complicated question.
I was born and raised in Reading, Massachusetts in the US.

This was a town that was almost all white.
We had black people from Boston shipped to our schools every day so that they could get a better education.
As middle school came around and i was a sexy 11, 12, 13 year old girl. All the black boys wanted me and all the black girls hated me. I even got beat up on the last day of school in 8th grade by a girl who had stolen my mother's diamond ring that i wore to school one day.

BUT, instead of automatically hating black girls or black people, i was just confused as to why they hated ME so much. I was tortured daily in my public schools. More so by white people than by black or other minorities. I was tortured so much that i actually dropped out of school, was hospitalized at McLean mental hospital for a month, then at a respite for youth, where i was the only white person. Then i went to a very diverse school in Coolige Corner, Brookline (the Orthadox Jewish section of Boston). My school celebrated diversity every day. That was one of the main focuses of the school. It was a small school. 44 kids in total, who were all very smart kids with emotional issues, authority issues and/or minor learning disabilities. There was a zero violence tolerance policy. If you slapped someone at school you were expelled, no questions asked. But my school was full of minorities of all sorts, racial, sexual identity/orientation, immigrants, mental health, eating disorders. One thing we all had in common (mostly) was our love of learning and our desire to accept one another.
That school had some amazing teachers who taught us in ways that were not boring to us like in public school. I didn't do all that well on my SAT's, but i learned much more at Beacon High (formerly known as New Perspectives School) than i ever did in the Reading Public School system. The most important things i learned were 1. that i was SMART (because the Reading school system had me convinced of the exact opposite) and 2. to be open minded and accepting.
I learned a lot of other things as well there, but before that, my life was going down the wrong path. Had i stayed at RMHS, i may have very well turned into a hateful racist. Instead, Beacon High School helped to keep me a good, loving, curious person.

Boston is a racist city. Like, how i mentioned that Brookline is where the Jewish people are at, we also have the North End for the Italians, Southie for the Irish, Dorchester/Roxbury/Mattapan for the black people, Chinatown for the Asian people, Beacon Hill for the rich white people, etc...

Somerville, where i had been spending most of my time before i starting shouting HELP everywhere i went (because of the feeling of being chased) is a very very diverse city. Somerville is the most diverse part of Boston, although it's not technically Boston, nor is Brookline. They both border Boston and are both cities. The Ville, as it is called by it's diverse residents, is a wonderful place. It is my favorite part of Boston. It is also where there is a really great, deep and smart hip hop scene. It is also where i was pulled over for nothing, and where i was arrested a few weeks ago for having my music on too loud and failure to immidiately ID myself... and it is where a lot of my friends, both new and old live.

There are a lot of gangs in The Ville lately and while i was hanging out there recently, i was trying to make a hip hop movie with some local kids about the gangs and the diversity... trying to get to the root of it all. But life got crazy. The kids houses were being robbed, their families and friends were dying and/or going to jail for minor offenses or being locked up in psych wards. The film never happened.

Right now, the kids are mad at me because they looked up to me and i have let them down by going "crazy". I have decided to let them go for now. If the time is right, i may see them again, but while i am wanted by the Haters and makers of society who own fear, i think those kids are better off being mad at me. Most of them were black kids. I don't know what they think of me, what they are being told about me, etc. But they were good kids. I assume they still are if they are still alive, but there is a gang war in Boston, and they are all FORMER mini gang members. They were in gangs when they were like 12-15 years old. The reason they hung out with me so much was to get them out of the front lines, cuz they were all very smart kids who didn't want gang life anymore. I don't know where they're at now, so if you don't mind praying for them, i would appriciate all the good thoughts going their way. They could use it. In my opinion, those kids are all heroes.

Now, one last thing... i don't hate all white people... okay? i am a white person. There are good white people. There are even a few good rich white people... but when i say i hate "white power" i mean that i hate the white people who have enough power to make racial minorities do their dirty work. Black on black crime was CAUSED by lies told and displayed on TV by white people in power. The race war in general is caused by white people's lies. So be careful what you believe right now. We are at war and the white power liars are unfortunately winning.

Thank you for hearing my shpeil.
me with graffiti


i tried to do a podcast, but whatever. i can't, so here are 20 music videos of Boston music

If you want to re-label my genres for me, that would be cool. i kind of just winged it

1. Pamela Means- Up to Here (indy folk rock)
2. Mighty Mighty Bosstones- Where Did You Go? (ska)
3. The Folk Implosion- Natural One (indy rock)
4. Mighty Mystic- Riding on the Clouds (reggae)
5. Melissa Ferrick- Everything i Need (indy folk rock)
6. Insight- Rap Religion (indy rap)
7. Mr Lif- Because They Made It That Way (indy hip hop)
8. Violent Femmes- Kiss Off (indy punk folk)
9. Julianna Hatfield- My Sister (alternative rock)
10. Morphine- Early to Bed (ska rock?)
11. Kristin Hersh- Me and My Charms (indy rock)
12. 7L and Esoteric- Mic Mastery (indy hip hop)
13. Ellis Paul - The World Ain't Slowin Down (folk)
14. Edan and Mr. Lif- Making Planets (indy/psychadelic hip hop)
15. Steve Miller Band- The Joker (classic rock)
16. Pixies- Where Is My Mind (alternative rock)
17. Martin Sexton- Diner (folk)
18. The Breeders- Cannonball (grunge)
19. The Red Chord- Black Santa (death metal/thrash)
20. Dropkick Murphy's- Shipping Off to Boston (punk)
it must be true


Everyone wants to be accepted. Me included.
Who or what don't you accept, and why, if you know why?

i don't accept people who tell me who or what is acceptable. Telling me who or what YOU accept or don't accept is different than telling me who or what I CAN or CAN'T accept. So go on and be honest. What is unnaceptable to you?

Also, it should be noted that i have done things that i find unacceptable. Because of these actions, i have sometimes found it hard to accept myself.

For instance, after i was gang raped when i was 12, i raped my boyfriend. I was a girl at the time and i pressured my boyfriend to do things he wasn't ready to do, and then i humiliated him for not being ready.

I have driven drunk, and while high, which i find unacceptable. i have even done it with kids in the car. It is not okay, and i should not have done it, but i did.

It is not acceptable to me to steal from friends or independantly owned companies, (or at all) but i have. I have lied to people i love. I have made people feel bad because i feel bad. I have done a lot of bad things. We all have.

Maybe you can't accept me now that you know that i have done these bad things, but i accept myself for being human.

We all want to be accepted.
Most of the things i did that i found unacceptable, were things that i have had done to me or i've hated about others.

But that is how the cycle works. If you hate hypocrites, you are doomed to be in misery and self hatred, because you are a hypocrite. We are all hypocrites.

The key to ending the cycle is to forgive others and forgive yourself. Admit that you are a sinner and accept it.

What is hardest for you to accept?
Is it yourself or someone else or both?
Lets get to the bottom of this.

Am i sorry for the bad things i've done? Yes i am. Is sorry enough? I don't know. But i think that forgiving others for reacting badly to the same triggrs is a step in the right direction. I can only hope.
red sox


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There was a fight at the Red Sox game tonight. They are playing Tampa Bay. Boston and Florida seem to have beef lately.

The fight was between Coco Crisp and James Sheild. James purposely hit Coco with the ball and Coco went running to the mound to hit him. A fight broke out.

This to me is okay though. Althletes fighting on the field is normal. We all need to fight sometimes. It's just a matter of who, what, where, when, how and why.

But if someone hits you, it is normal and sometimes (although not really in this case) necessary to fight back. We all have aggression, and fighting with fists is part of life. Guns on the other hand... that isn't natural. As long as some people have them though, i think everyone needs to have a right to them... but i hate guns. They are for people who are afraid to use their fists.