April 26th, 2008


report to lj

my dreams last night were soooooooooo intense.

i need a therapist NOW.

and i dont know if i heard this or dreamed it, but could the anti- depressant effexor be made with ephedrine?
that would explain a lot.

i need to be held. i know that sounds weird. i dont have anyone to hold me though. i am severely in need of that kind of physical affection. i stayed in bed all day today sleeping on top of my arms wrapped around my body to give myself a tight squeeze and maybe to simulate being held. i have heard of these hug boxes that a person with autism invented because autistic people often dont like hugging/touching other people, but still physically need to be hugged. so i was kind of like that all day. i did not get out of bed until 7pm, despite being awake (on and off) since 10am.

of course, the crazy dreams i was having only intensified my need to be hugged.
i need some more comfort. i wonder if i sleeping bag or some kind of enclosed bedding would help. i already sleep with the bed against the wall and my body pressed against the wall.

Yesterday (well, Thursday) was an off, but okay day. i thought for sure it would be a total mess.
I overslept, waking up 15 minutes before my appointment for my T shot. So i threw on my clothes and my sandles... first on the wrong feet, then drove to the doctor, got the shot, came home to clean... i took a bunch of trips out to the dumpster with boxes and bags of spring cleaning trash, and i accidentally locked my keys in the apartment with my radio on and my cat still waiting to be fed. I tried to get a hold of my superintendent, but he was out, so i walked around for a while with no keys or money and my phone dying. Eventually my dad brought me a spare key for my car, but did not have one for the apartment.

When it first happened i was really pissed off and punched my car that i couldn't even get into, but my decision to walk off my anger was a good one, and by the time my dad came with my car keys i was more calm and i went to get some dinner and went through the Ville to see J and Cee.
My phone battery died while i was out, but i ad my charger in the car, and eventually saw my Super had called me back and would help me get in when i got home.

Today i stayed in bed, like i said, and then ran to the grocery store to grab some food and cat food. i made au grotten potatoes and had some banana cream pie. i dont know that the pie was the best idea. i feel kind of sick now, but whatev-

now i'm going to try to go back to bed, even though my dreams are really really disturbing.