October 11th, 2007

me with graffiti


hello everyone. thank you for all of your nice words. i will get back to you individually soon.
i got out of the hospital yesterday. so it appears that i will be home for emily's birthday and note to beverly and lake: thank you for agreeing to drive me home. although i didnt end up needing the ride after all.
actually, my social worker, who i met with for all of 3 minutes told me that my CRS worker brett would be picking me up at 5 last night. she told me this on tuesday when she met with me for 3 minutes. she said she talked to him and he would drive me from waltham to concord to get my car. something seemed fishy about what she was saying, plus she was in a rush and said she wouldnt be in wednesday. as soon as she left the room i said to myself, "he isn't gonna show up".
and i was right. 5 o'clock last night came and went, then did 6 o'clock and the staff got me a cab voucher and called me a cab. i have a feeling the social worker left a messege on brett's machine telling him i needed a ride and then just hoped he'd show up. this would not be a first time a social worker's lies fucked up my peaceful discharge. i was anxious about leaving, seeing as i only spent 5 minutes with my doctor and 3 with my social worker the entire hospitalization. i was only able to attend 2 therapy groups while i was there, there were no med changes and the only person i talked to at length besides other patients was a nursing student from boston college.
it was the most pointless hospitalization i've had in years. not to mention that after 15 hours in the emerson hospital ER i was admitted to North 5 at Emerson. I was told the next morning (sunday) by Doctor Stern that there was a possibility i might be transfered to another hospital due to insurance. A couple hours later, he told me as long as i didnt mind being at Emerson, insurance said i could stay. So, i unpacked, got comfortable, and a couple hours later he told me they were going to send me over to Walden after all. So i was escorted by ambulance to Walden. i had to go through all the same admission bullshit, and then spent like 3 1/2 days there pretty much being ignored.
The second to last day, i was in the lunchroom and i recognized a very familiar face in the relaxation room. My mom's best friend's son. He was like an older brother to me growing up. In fact, when i was a baby, we lived in the same 2 family house, and then they lived right around the corner from the house i grew up in from age 7 to 23. He has been married for 10 years and they have 2 sons. Their sons call my mother "Gramma Janet". Anyway, even though it was him i first recognized in the room, i could see he was in there with someone else, and the someone else was actually the patient. Last time i saw either of them was at my grandfather's funeral. I was sad to see that the person he was with was so depressed. She has been hospitalized once before. She's a really amazing woman, and i was glad i got to see them, but sad she had to be there. i hope everything works out for her. They are family to me. My mom's best friend is like a second mom to me.
there were 2 patients there that i knew. Other "frequent fliers", plus i recognized a guy from the eating disorder unit. The staff were good at Walden as usual.... except for the staff with actual titles like doctor or social worker... well actually, even though my doctor discharged me without hardly talking to me, i think she did the right thing. i didnt really need to be there after all i dont think, and if i spent too much time inside it could be more damaging than helpful.
there was 1 completely psychtic person there, and i realized its been a while since i've been around anyone so psychotic. It was helpful in that sometimes i wonder when i think weird stuff and act strange if i am becoming psychotic, but seeing this woman helped me see that yes i'm quite strange an quirky and have emotional problems, but i know that it is 2007 and that i live in massachusetts in the US on planet earth. i know i'm alive and human and cannot fly by myself, and most likely there are no chips implaneted in me, and i dont have the ability to blow up the world with my brain.,.... heh. quirky, weird-yes, TOTALLY out of my mind with no chance of returning- no.
So, oddly, i think the hospitalization was helpful in some ways, and i've decided that as cliche and saturday night live pathetic as it sounds, i am going to think self positive thoughts as much as possible. Even if i dont believe them to be true. I started yesterday, and i'm doing it today and i already feel a little better. No matter how much truth there is to it, i feel better saying to myself "i deserve to be happy", "i have as much right to be alive as anyone else", "i am a good person", "i am smart", etc, than i do when i say things to myself like "i suck" "i can't do it", "i should just give up" etc. I need to overdose on the happy thoughts for a while as i do have 29 years worth of negative self talk as well as abuse and torment to make up for. Still, i think it might help, and with positive self esteem i may finally believe in myself and if i believe in myself maybe i will make an effort to try to succeed rather than making no effort cuz i think i will fail.
And i'm gonna try coffee in the morning instead of stackers.
Jay is coming over later to watch Slam and maybe work on some beats. peace