August 18th, 2007

me with graffiti

virtual gifts?

I just signed on to livejournal and i had 13 messeges. i was happy until i found that 1/2 of the messeges were telling me which of my friends had recieved virtual gifts. they werent gifts to OR from me, so WHY am i being informed every time they are exchanged? If anyone knows how i can stop this from happening, please tell me.
it just makes me feel like more of a loser.
i'm cranky today. i've been depressed and today i'm sick and depressed.
"stop the world i wanna get off."
  • Current Mood
    annoyed annoyed
art is dead

Art by DJ Cliche'

fall is approaching. my favorite season as far as weather goes, my least favorite season as far as life goes. I think it has to do with the fact that school starts in the fall even though i dont go to school anymore.  People with PTSD often are triggered with flashbacks by weather, smells, dates, sounds, etc that they associted to their trauma. I had several traumatic events and thy happened at all different times over the years, but the most longterm ongoing trauma was being forced to go to school. i realize that no one was really at fault making me go to school. Kids are supposed to go to school. That's just how it works. And everyone is picked on, so it's normal also to tell your kids to ignore other people when they are mean, or whatever. But some kids are picked on more than others. I couldn't answer a question, pick up  a pen, look at another stuent, eat my lunch, ask to go to the bathroom, open my locker, walk down the hall, open a book, take out my backpack, sneeze or think without someody giving me nasty looks, threatening me, blackmailing me, touching my body innapropriately,  spitting on me, tripping me, throwing things at me, laughing at me, playing tricks on me, calling me names, throwing me up against a locker, telling me i was stupid, ugly, weird, "retarded", calling me a slut, whore, dyke, queer, druggie, idiot, fat, loser.... something. 
I do not exaggerate when i say 5 whole minutes without one of these things happening was a rare occurance. 
Every September i would start school saying "This year's gonna be different. I will stick up for mself. I will pay attention in class and get good grades" but by the beginning of October, i'd already be far behind everyone else, staring out the window , trying to ignore the humiliation. 
Fall for me is a reminder of failure. A reminder at how far behind i still am. I'm almst 29 and i forgot somwehere along the line to grow up with everyone else. Now my generation is in charge and i still have to bow down to them like an inferior because as long as they are in charge i am only a product of what they turned me into. F them.

So here is some art.
i painted this last night. It is acrylic paint. i finger painted it. ... Then thats me in the hat there.
Under the cut are a few more pictures. Sketches. i drew them a while ago for an alphabet book called "Oh Shit! I'm Old!"
it only has a few of the letters though. there are 6 pictures under the cut.

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  • Current Music
    for some reason "dick in a box" is stuck in my head.grr