djcliche (djcliche) wrote,

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A Goal and Thoughts About Body Image

First, i wanna start out by saying that i love when toddlers approach Canadian geese. They are the same size, if not shorter than the big bird, but they run up to the goose with excitement and wonder. Immediately, the bird will turn to them, bark in their face and act like they are going to bite the child. The child runs and cries and decides that they will forever hate geese. And most of them do. Those that don't hate them learn to respect them...

i'm really no better than the toddlers actually. i run up to them all the time.

So, it wasn't as warm today as it was over the weekend, but i went swimming again today.

i realize i look kinda sleezy in the wet black tank top. i'm gonna have to find a better one.
i love to swim without a shirt, but there are a few reasons i don't do it often.

#1 reason, i am afraid i could be arrested for being topless because i am legally female. i certainly do not look like a female when i'm in my swim trunks, with a beard and hairy chest, but there are people who would like to see me suffer, and i just don't feel safe doing it around here.

The other reasons are
2. i'm fat
3. testosterone has given me body acne... no face acne like most ftms, but body acne nevertheless.
4. i have a tattoo on my back of myself hanging on a cross. this tattoo is supposed to be a metaphor, but in mania it became sort of real, and was used as a weapon, and i have really mixed feelings about it. i almost got it covered up with a new tattoo last summer, but decided against it. it holds a lot of meaning, and even though it gives me some mixed feelings, i felt it was meant to be kept. still, when it is out for others to see, i worry about offending people and about exposing too much of my soul.

what is oddly not a reason for leaving my shirt on is my giant scar and misshaped nipples. The scar and nipple thing is from a few years ago, when i had my breasts removed. All 16 pounds of them. YIKES! Some people might be insecure to have a large scar and misshaped nipples, but i am actually proud of that part of my body. I really don't care about the imperfections because i think it is soooooooo much better than what was there before. i hated that part of my body so much, and for years, especially in my youth, it dictated who i became. For years i tried to ignore it, but there was no ignoring it. Not at that size especially. i am so glad to have a giant scar and little misshaped nipples.

i am putting a few pictures of myself with no shirt under the cut

oh yeah, and my GOAL! i decided while swimming today that i am going to swim across Spy Pond and back this spring or summer.
i'm sure if i took it slow, i could definitely do it. i treaded water for 45 minutes today. in that time, i could have gotten 3/4 of the way across. i have done that once in the past. the only concern i really have is of the underwater pond plants catching my leg and pulling me to drown. that would suck. and it has happened in that pond before to other people... so i'm going to ask my friend if he will swim with me, but if not, i still wanna try to do it.

i plan to swim from these rocks, across to where the trees are and back
Tags: ftm, gender, photography, self portrait, spring, spy pond, surgery

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