?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

dissociation

dissociation feels like if you've ever taken too much cough syrup, whether it be by accident or on purpose. you see everything happening around you, but you don't feel like you're there. when you are driving, you want to watch the happy cars go by in your rear view mirror instead of watching the road. when you talk, you can't follow what you are saying, even if others can (which sometimes they can). everything feels like a dream.
dissociation for me is also sometimes a sign that one of my other personalities are looking to come out and play. dissociation is often "triggered" by things that remind you of the trauma you went through. in this case, my dissociation was caused mainly by lack of sleep. but talking in group today i realized i have also been triggered by facebook. i love facebook because i have made a lot of new friends and i can keep in touch with my old friends. But lately something that's been going on on facebook is that people from my town that i grew up in have seen me listed as being from there and having gone to school there and graduated in 1996. A lot of people just add me because they see i graduated with them and see that their other friends seem to know me, but several of them, after i added them back have said to me "who are you anyway? you look familiar, but i dont recognize the name, Jymi Cliche... and that is of course because they knew me as Keri E. So i don't know what to say except be honest. i say you used to know me as Keri E, it's been a long time. I found out when i was in my 20s that i was born both genders and i always felt more like a guy than a girl. Of course, this freaks people out and they either don't respond or they unfriend me. (mostly they just don't respond), but it has been a source of stress to come out to these people.
The other thing that is triggering is that these people were part of my life when some very horrible shit went down. i still have nightmares of being in classrooms with these people, while being called a whore for a bad night of choices that led to me being attacked. The people i have friended on facebook were for the most part, pretty good to me during those years, but just going to school every day was so traumatic to me that i had to leave school all together and go to an alternative school. The people who i keep in touch with from my alternative school have been much more supportive of my transition, but that is no surprise. All the kids there had fucked up life situations that sent them to that school and made them more open minded.

Anyway, so i'm just dealing with that and dealing with the fact that i am in a dissociative state, with a hint of clarity at least. I'm gonna attempt to sleep now. i really hope i can fall asleep this time cuz dissociation is not fun

Comments

( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
jbredrebel
Apr. 7th, 2009 06:47 pm (UTC)
aww you poor thing! that's not nice at all.......
i saw a guy on facebook who is a friend of a friend.. and he used to beat the shit out of me when i was 12/13 in school... and i'd never add them on facebook. i'd tell them to fuck off. but the flip side is that some people do change over the years. personally i think that if those people are upsetting you, just knock them off your facebook. you don't need people stressing you out. just focus on the people who love you and accept you as you are and don't stress you out
djcliche
Apr. 7th, 2009 11:12 pm (UTC)
yeah, for the most part people have been nice. i don't talk to the people who aren't. most of the stress is related to just seeing those familiar names, but they are names i'll never forget anyway. my life from the age of 12 to 15 i will never get out of my head. it replays in my head every day. that is what ptsd is all about.
but in happy news, one girl who added me on facebook a couple weeks ago finally messeged me and said she just figured out who i was and she was really supportive. it meant a lot to me cuz she's one of my oldest friends. when she added me on facebook i was afraid to write her and say hi. it's harder for me to come out to people i was closest to. i was really surprised at how supportive she was, but pleasantly surprised.
jacq22
Apr. 7th, 2009 11:53 pm (UTC)
Sorry to hear about this, try to keep it in perspective, there will always be the 'unbending' ones out there, who can't or won't try to see why you did what you did. Be happy for those you know support you. We understand and feel for your sadness. Yes focus on the good ones who are there and care about you.
Am fascinated about the 'dissasociation' explanation. I have had a few episodes of unexplained ''zoning out' the first time I was about ten, its like I am above looking down, and the sounds are echoing, and I am not really there, but watching myself... weird, each time it happened I was scared, scared I couldn't get back to 'me', now I think your explanation has helped me, it was due to stress and what was happening in my life each time. Hasn't happened lately...thanks for the information. However old we are we can learn...
djcliche
Apr. 8th, 2009 04:06 am (UTC)
thank you for the support. for the most part i've really been moved by how understanding my old classmates have been. there has been more good than bad and i can definitely feel that.
i have had periods of dissociation my whole life off and on. thank you for sharing your experience with it. it can be scary, but honestly, there are things i like about it. i'm technically still a bit dissociated, but i've had a decent day. thanks for writing. peace
den_lace
Apr. 8th, 2009 12:59 am (UTC)
How easy it is for people to judge, not having walked a million miles in your shoes, *hugs* .. thanks for the explanation of dissociation I have been there too and never knew what it was except my body/mind did not want to acknowledge a situation and was on the way to disintegrating. It was scary stuff.

Keep well, you have come such a long way lately..:)
djcliche
Apr. 8th, 2009 04:12 am (UTC)
thank you for the support. dissociation is a strange thing. i think most people do it sometimes. even technically when you are driving a way you go often and you wind up in your destination but sort of forget the trip, it is a form of dissociation. and my complex ptsd was made complex by the fact that i spent so much time dissociating as a child/teen to just survive my emotional pain, caused my mind to learn to function in a way that it would not have, had i been "present" during my experiences, if that makes sense. i love psychology. minds are so complex
den_lace
Apr. 8th, 2009 05:30 am (UTC)
Hey, me to -I love psychology,philosophy. I once did a course
but failed to keep going. Now I wish I had(:
djcliche
Apr. 8th, 2009 07:50 pm (UTC)
i would like to take a philosophy course sometime. i've never taken one, but always wanted to
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )

Profile

me with graffiti
djcliche
djcliche

Latest Month

February 2012
S M T W T F S
   1234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
26272829   

Tags

Powered by LiveJournal.com