Love is Revolution.
It's that simple. I wish i could have seen this before i allowed myself to be so full of hate and anger and shame and fear. But i can't take that back. I now forgive everyone who ever hurt me, and i am sorry for everyone i have hurt in return. It felt like a wave just took me wherever it wanted and i had no control whatsoever.
Willpower is self control.
At the same time, i cannot control what happens around me. I can only control how i react to it.
I hurt a lot of people because i was scared. I acted very crazy and very out of control. I tried to control situations and people and the past and the future. I thought i was a God. I really did. And yet i hated myself at the same time, so half the time i thought i was Satan. I was like a split personality of God and Satan, while really i was just human.
I am getting my back tattoo tattooed over this week. For those who don't know, i have a tattoo i drew of myself on a cross on my back. I got it right after my wife left and some other really bad things were going on at the same time. I figured i must be a savior or something, that my life must have to be a sacrifice for something. I was too afraid to look at all the bad things i had done, which had led to those things happening.
I do feel a little lonely these past few days. I miss my friends, but i am not alone, because everyone is human. We have all made mistakes. None of us can change the past. And we are all part of changing the future. But it is not for us as humans to do alone. What will be will be. I just need to learn to be grateful for what i have, for the people who love me and who have stuck by me... forgive the ones who didn't stick by me, cuz i know i scared them away when i was acting all out of control. Some may forgive me and some may not. I want to be forgiven, but i'll only deserve it if i work to change. If i keep acting like a madman and scare people and act like a fool, i should not expect anyone to forgive me.
I really hurt someone badly this week. I was doing a lot better, but this case in partiular happened when i thought i was all better, and i wasn't. I want to call him but I know i shouldn't, because right now i'm afraid i'll just make it worse. So i will not be calling him, even though i want to appologize. It is not time yet. i have to just pray that God will look after him a little extra right now, because i am not equipped to do so. I wish i were, but that was how i ended up making shit bad to begin with. The fact alone that i want to make everything all better for him is why i need to back off and let God do his job. But for those of you who pray, please pray for my friend. Thank you. You can pray for me too if you want. I could still use the extra love if there are people who forgive me. (which i know there are) I am extremely lucky to have found so many heroic and forgiving people. I want to work to be like them.