Ever since my wife left, i've been searching for Something to believe in.
I have believed in the wrong things.
I believe in God now. Not in a religious hoobly doo way, but in a way that i believe that God is looking out for us all.
The bad things that happened to me were because i was looking for bad.
That might not be the case for everyone, but for me it was.
My family has always tried to protect me.
I wanted to know what they were trying to protect me from, and i found it everywhere i looked.
I want to be safe and happy.
I want to live in peace.
I believe that God will give me that if that is what i search for, instead of always investigating the bad stuff. I need to leave the bad stuff alone.
This is not an easy thing with temptation always knocking at the door. But i know right from wrong. I need to stop doing things that will make me feel guilty after. When i feel guilty, i lie, and when i lie, i cause problems for myself and everyone around me, and then i feel guiltier.
Ever since my wife left, i have been so filled with guilt. I need to forgive myself for the bad things i've done, and know that if i change into a better person, i will not feel this horrid guilt that causes me to hallucinate a false past.
This has been a learning experience.
I scared some people recently. I keep doing that. I don't mean to, but it happens when i feel guilt. Guilt is a very strong emotion. But i know that if i change for the better, the guilt will stop.
I miss my friends, but understand why they have backed away from me for the last while. I was caught up in the guilt and making everyone suffer for it. It was unfair. I am sorry and i am working on changing that.
Peace, Jymi Cliche
