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okay. so i had things a little screwed up.

I have been feeling paranoid and scared. i have felt like a victim of a war. i do have PTSD and i have been through a lot of things no one would ever want to be a part of.

The truth is, that night with the gang rape. i really dont remember it that well. I don't know why the Shriners would have done that to us unless they were extrememely fucked up on drugs and alcohol. But even then, that is not a reason to gang rape. Honestly, it is a lot more convincing a scenerio that it was the boys in the kids room who did it. The children of the Shriners. That was where we were all night, as we were all around 12 or 13. My best friend and i were very sexual kids. We both had like 40 C cup boobs and nice bodies, and we lead them on. The 2 "mafia" kids taught us how to give blow jobs on their fingers, but we didnt want to actually do it for real. Maybe what happened, more likely was that we got them all turned on and that they were pissed that we wouldn't fuck them, so THEY beat us down, raped us and left us in the stable.

As far as what i remember about the money we earned being prostitutes, i'm not sure. i remember there being tons of money flashed around and spent on us. Maybe we just felt like it was ours. It was a crazy night, and we were promiscuos young hot girls.
Not that it was our fault that we got raped, but we played a role in what happened, and the reason i need to write about this here is because i have been trying to figure out who is after me for the past month. It has felt like someone is after me, and that it was because of what i remembered from my past, but i dont think this is the case.

I want to appologize to the Shriners, the Mafia, The Catholic Church, the Jews, the Christians, The Muslims, The Democrats, Republicans, Green Parties, Socialists, Scientologists, The Bloods and Crips, the Police, the Fire Department, the Army, the Navy, the Marines, the Air Force, and whatever other gangs there are out there.  By accusing you, i've only made things worse.
Why do people join gangs? Because there is safety in numbers. Or so that used to at least seem to be the case. But we are all just specks in this enormous world. 
neitherday has been trying to tell me something for a while now and i understood MOST of what she was saying, but did not grasp the entire concept until last night.
We are all just tiny tiny particles in the full scheme of things. When i was driving in my car last night, there were like 30 cars i could see besides my own. I thought of how she puts things. Move up and look down. My car is just a speck on the highway, and i am just a little speck inside it. Now move up some more, The highway is just a speck in the city i was in. Move up. The city is just a speck inside the state of Massachusetts. Move up. Massachusetts is a speck in the US. Move up. The US is a speck on earth. Move up. The earth is a speck in the solar system. Move up. The solar system is a speck inside the galexy. (?) Move up. The galexy is just a speck in .... and so on and so forth (i'm not too good with outer space termanology)
At the same time however, i still believe in God. To me, God is not human though, God is EVERYTHING.  We all have souls/spirits. And as long as we treat our souls with respect and kindness, as well as other's souls/spirits, we will go to a place where our souls can all feel at ease with eachother when our time on earth is done. 
So, now i am not afraid.
The other thing is that i still think i know who owns fear. And those people work inside psychiatric hospitals. But the MAJORITY of people who work in hospitals are good people. That is why they work in hospitals, because they want to help people. But while i was inside these last couple times, i saw that some of the people in power there had absolutely no respect for mine or other people's human rights. They were just trying to scare us and then be there to calm us down. There was something very wrong going on there, and i hope that there will be some other people who get to the bottom of that whole thing, because what was going on inside those walls was very very wrong. But big ups to all the people working under them, who challenged their bosses orders in order to do the right thing. I hope that other people will do that piece of the work, because i am tired from trying to rigger everyone into seeing what i see. And that is another thing that i had wrong. While there are a few people on this earth who have been through similar enough experiences to see some of what i see, i am an individual on this earth, and my senses have been through a lot of things that no one else on this earth can honestly say happened exactly the same to them. This means that as much as i try to trigger people to see what i see, that they will only be able to see what their senses allow.  
So i have backed up a little, and am able to say that if death is after me, that i am no longer afraid. I don't need to keep fighting or pulling metaphorical triggers. 
I am sorry if i have "triggered" all of you. 
We live in a fucked up world, but that doesnt mean that we are fucked up. We are all just reacting to the fear that we all trigger eachother with, most of the time, unknown to us. We need to learn to just be brave as individuals. To accept ourselves as who we are. To fight with our fists and not guns. To take care of our souls, and love eachother's souls, not what they appear to be on the outside. We need more understanding and more compassion. Remember that you are unique, but at the same time, just a speck. Like with snow, each flake is unique, but when it snows for a while and we get a foot or 2 of snow (or 2 inches in places that get a lot less) we don't see the flakes. We see the obstacles that the SNOW has given us. We forget to appriciate each individual flake. We dont have time. And even with people, we don't have time to learn about and love every single human being, but our respect for humanity and the people that we do come into contact with is very important.

Okay. So thats that.
Thank you. I am off to try to treat my soul to some enjoyment now. PEACE



( 16 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 10th, 2008 06:55 pm (UTC)
What a terrible thing to have happened to you and your friend - I was very sorry to hear this.
Jun. 18th, 2008 02:48 am (UTC)
thank you. its ok. as in, i'll be all right, but yeah, it sucked. thank you for the support
Jun. 10th, 2008 08:08 pm (UTC)
I'm glad neitherday had some helpful words for your thought process :)
Jun. 11th, 2008 08:57 am (UTC)
Same here.
Jun. 18th, 2008 02:53 am (UTC)
me too
Jun. 18th, 2008 02:52 am (UTC)
yeah. she's a smart cokie that neitherday. heh. (: i'm lucky that she lives so close. it sucks that you and my other washington pals live so far, but i do like getting the vacation from home when i go see you all.
i'm hoping to mak a trip out in september or october maybe? i'm gonna try to stay in a hotel, but let me know if that is a good time for me to visit... if you wil be around then and stuff.
i just got out of the hospital again but it was a beter stay thank god.
i love you.
Jun. 18th, 2008 07:27 am (UTC)
Well don't come out the first couple weeks in September. I can't quite tell you why yet :)

Otherwise, you know you're welcome in our guestroom. If I know a few weeks ahead of time as well I can fit my work schedule around your visit and maybe we can do some cool stuff like go to the zoo or something :)

I'm glad this visit was better. I'm excited you may be coming out so I can tell you about my facility in person!
Jun. 19th, 2008 05:04 pm (UTC)
i'm looking forward to finding out what this well kept secret of yours is (;

i havent been to a zoo in forever. do you guys have a good zoo? the one nearest me sucks. all they have is like, goats and squirrils. ha. its kind of pathetic. it used to be good.

i'm watching the celtics parade on tv. its ben 22 years since there's been a celtics parade. boston is a zoo right now, actually.

i have to let my mom use my computer now. peace.
Jun. 19th, 2008 08:36 pm (UTC)
and I'm SO close to telling you!!!

The Tacoma zoo is pretty cool, I love their aquarium and I know they just started some new exhibits.
Jun. 19th, 2008 11:25 pm (UTC)
cool. i'll be waiting.

i have never been to the boston aquarium. i hear its cool but no idea, so that would be cool too.
Jun. 11th, 2008 03:50 am (UTC)

Whatever your truth is, I'm still here listening! Keep hanging on!
Jun. 18th, 2008 02:54 am (UTC)
thank you. i appriciate your suport very much.
you are a good friend
Jun. 12th, 2008 07:26 am (UTC)
Thank you
In your recent entries you've really opened my eyes a lot.

Although its probably by accident, I appreciate it more than I can really express.
I think my sister went through a very similar period in her young teen years, much like your described. She doesn't mention a lot of detail but the little bit that she does is very similar to what you went through as a young female, who hit puberty early, got big boobs and a nice body.
My sister, She didn't know how to gain respect from guys except by being sexual. I think its unfortunate for both of you and the many other girls that have probably gone through similar ordeals.

Females are expected to be something that they often are not, and humans in general in the current times, identify more with sexuality than with their own individuality. It irks me.

I used to view girls that just gave up themselves and flaunted themselves- as sluts and whores when I was young. I see it so much differently in recent years.
I thank you for helping open my eyes. I thank my sister as well.

I always somehow managed to remain a tomboy without being sexual, but I did get sexually harassed at a young age. I think it fucks up ones gender identity because I really don't even like to regard myself as belonging to either gender anymore.

I wrote a rant about it...

"Going through shades of yourself young will tear you apart in layers over time.
No excuse for paths you took in youth
though a vivid memory that fails to fade away
the Decisions haunt and taunt your mind

Confront who you once were
It's the only way anymore, to win
Accept another point in time to begin again
Always been better than
the eyes you used to view and judge yourself back then."

Love you and stay strong.
You better come to my party on July 19th. I sent you a myspace invite.

Your friend

Jun. 18th, 2008 03:02 am (UTC)
Re: Thank you
i love you too kara. and i want to come to the party. i will try. i'll be in maine that wee though, so i'm not sure, but i think i can handle a drive out to see you. i miss you terribly. you are one of my best friends.

i'm glad i've ben helpful to you. i hope that i will be able to help a lot of people in time wit my stories of personal experience.

i've been n the hospital the past week. i wasn't done geting better, but i was kicked out of the last hospital. remaining calm and seeing things from a more open point of view has helped me. you will be all right too. you are strong. you are a soldier. that's why i love you so much.

my sister was similar to me in the same respect as your sister, although she is a little more like you in some ways, which i am glad for. i am glad that i have been patching things up with her. i was not the best role model and i was a aretaker for her in my youth, and then i had to kep leaving t go to the hospital and it caused a long time awkwardness between us.

give me a call sometime so that maybe we can chill. i really miss the fun we have together. i know the last time i was a wreck. i'm calming down quite a bit.
peace and love my friend.
Jun. 16th, 2008 03:15 am (UTC)
mad hugs!!! i'm so sorry you've been dealing with all this crap. i wish you the best in the coming days, with peace and happiness despite the things that are happening. as long as we maintain hope, there is some light in what seems like darks times. and to know that you're never alone, bud. write to me whenever or call, i can give you my cell.
Jun. 18th, 2008 03:05 am (UTC)
thank you for all your suport. you rock. i'd stilllike to come out and visit, although i'm not sure when yet. sorry things got a bit screwy about our former plans.
do you have my email? you can send me your cell # there and i will give you mine as well.

peace, you are a good friend. jymi
( 16 comments — Leave a comment )


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