djcliche (djcliche) wrote,


being with a bunch of catholics was more triggering than it was healing. everyone on the trip was all kinds of fucked up, although i think i would have won the most fucked up catholic award, because on this trip, although some people brought gangsta rap, cigaretts and the jerky boys tape, i brought tarot cards, my witchcraft books, pills, alcohol and my bisexuality. On the bus trip, a boy named mike had a crush on me, and he was cute and a nice kid, and we fooled around in a sleeping bag AT the pope's outdoor mass.
This made me feel guilty in many ways because 1. as far as i was concerned, i was married 2. i was partly using him to cover up for the fact that i had a crush on several of the girls on the bus. One of the young adult leaders (she was like 25) came with us on the bus ride there. She was gorgous and reminded me of someone, although i could not figure out who.
She only came for the ride there, as when the pope arrived from Rome in his little bulletproof pope-mobile, she was the one who was going to be there to greet him personally. She had direct ties with the pope.
She didn't seem to like me. She found it very offensive that i brought tarot cards and witchcraft books, but her offense to me just made me like her even more.
It took us 3 days to get to Denver. The first night, we stopped in Ohio, where church members had offered to put us up. Me and my 2 roomies, Jenn and Missy stayed with a family where the father was a well known TV sports news anchor (in ohio and i dont recall his name). They took good care of us while their own teenage kids were off partying an we hardly got to meet them. The next night we stayed in Kansas where Pat Sears had some family. There were 2 boys there he knew, a 13 year old lil rebel and an 11 year old who wanted to be the pope when he grew up. Pat talked their parents into letting them come to Denver with us, even though they were very young. The 11 year old was named Andy James and he was the sweetest kid to ever meet. He was also a major flirt, flirting with all the older girls. He said yeah, he wanted to be pope, but it didnt mean he couldnt have some fun before he married god. His older brother (the 13 year old) was depressed and angry and smoked a lot of cigarettes.

When we arrived in Colorado, we stayed in Littleton... yes, Littleton, the town where 4 years later, the Columbine Massacre took place.
We met some amazing people, but Missy, Jenn and i stayed with a family in Littleton that did not like us... especially me. They especially especially didn't like us when we skipped out on church one day to get ready for the days events, and while the family was at church, we switched the TV channel from LIVE POPE COVERAGE to watch MTV's show about sex in the 90's. i forget what the show was called, but we watched a marathon of it while the family was at church, and when they returned home and saw us watching it, they flipped out, screaming that they were taping the pope thing and now instead they had taped people on MTV talking about kinky things and bisexuality. They blamed me for being the culpret even though i was not the one to change the channel. They seemed to hate me to an nth degree.

There were several events as part of World Youth Day. The 1st one was a giant Catholic rally at Mile High Stadium, where they tried to reach out to the youth by encorperating Jesus into pop culture. I will never forget "Whoomp, there He is!" (a tag team knock off)
The first rally was boring as shit. The next day we went into the city where there was all sorts of stuff going on outside. I enjoyed that day because we took off to go shopping on the Denver strreets. The day after that, we had to walk 7 miles to the middle of the Desert (in August). It was 100 degrees, but because this was during the grunge years, i had my favorite flannel around my waste and a sock hat sticking out of my back pocket. Most people did not bring sleeping bags or warm clothes, being as it was hot as hell, but they had neglected to mention to all the people coming from all over the world to see the Pope that 1. the desert drops to freezing level at night and 2. the high altitude of Colorado requires much much hydration, and with ater costing $3 a bottle, people were dropping like flies and freezing their asses off. I was lucky to have the flannel and sock hat though, cuz i guess you never know when style will come in handy.
The other thing though, was that i shared a sleeping bag with the kid Mike, and one thing led to another and i cheated on my "husband" at the Pope's mass, and i felt so much guilt about it, that i decided to drink the alcohol i brought with me and take a handful of the pills i brought. i honestly donbt even know what pills they were, cuz i took them from someone's medicine cabinet... i think some might have actually been vitamins, but either way, i was one of the first from my group to pass out and need to be rushed to an EMT station, There were so many people pasing out that all the hospitals were full and EMT's from all over the country were being recruited to Denver to help rehydrate people in local schools and churches and empty buildings.
I did not recover as fast as the other people who were mostly easily nursed back to health with gatorade. I had to fess up and tell them that i drank alcohol and took drugs. When Pat found out, he threatened to send me home on a plane and make my parents foot the extra bill. After i was finally brought back to health, i begged him not to send me home, and promised that when i got back to Massachusetts i would tell my parents to put me in detox. He was not happy with the idea, but my peers convinced him to let me stay.
When we returned home after Denver, all the kids were gonna go to Denny's together, but Pat made me tell my parents what i did the second we got back, and there would be no Denny's for me.
My parents did not want to send me to detox, but Pat insisted that they bring me to one. The only detox i knew of for kids was the Pegas House in Lawrence, and we set up an appointment there. However, the interviewers there made me keep my parents in the room while i was being interviewed and i did not feel comfortable answering all of their questions truthfully.
At the end of the interview, the man said "Do you think you need help?" and i said yes. The man said "then you're already way too far ahead of everyone else here to be admited. We only admit people who think they dont have a problem."
That seemed fucked up, but it was what it was. We went to my grandmother's house later that day and before i went to walk to youth group, i stole a bunch of almond and vanilla extract bottles from my grandmother's cubbord and drank them on the way to youth group. (extract is 70 proof alcohol)

The next day was the first day of school of my sort of softmore year (i failed most of freshman year).
I was back in school and feeling suicidal again. I decided that i was going to kill myself on Halloween.
But... in the beginning of October, a freshman at the school who was also a member of the St. Agnes church, tried to hang himself in his basement. He lived through the hanging but was in a coma in the hospital for a few weeks, and although we prayed for him at church every day, he ended up dying.
I didn't know the kid that well, and from what i did know, i never liked him. He was very mean to everyone. He probably had a reason. It probably had to do with the mafia to some extent, but his death for me at least was a deterrant not to kill myself because i didn't want people to think i as a copycat suicide... If i died, i wanted people to know it was my own pain that killed me. So instead, that Halloween night, i told my friend Jennifer i was suicidal, and the next day i entered McLean hospital for my first in-patient psych visit. I was there for a month.

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