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my dreams last night were soooooooooo intense.

i need a therapist NOW.

and i dont know if i heard this or dreamed it, but could the anti- depressant effexor be made with ephedrine?
that would explain a lot.

i need to be held. i know that sounds weird. i dont have anyone to hold me though. i am severely in need of that kind of physical affection. i stayed in bed all day today sleeping on top of my arms wrapped around my body to give myself a tight squeeze and maybe to simulate being held. i have heard of these hug boxes that a person with autism invented because autistic people often dont like hugging/touching other people, but still physically need to be hugged. so i was kind of like that all day. i did not get out of bed until 7pm, despite being awake (on and off) since 10am.

of course, the crazy dreams i was having only intensified my need to be hugged.
i need some more comfort. i wonder if i sleeping bag or some kind of enclosed bedding would help. i already sleep with the bed against the wall and my body pressed against the wall.

Yesterday (well, Thursday) was an off, but okay day. i thought for sure it would be a total mess.
I overslept, waking up 15 minutes before my appointment for my T shot. So i threw on my clothes and my sandles... first on the wrong feet, then drove to the doctor, got the shot, came home to clean... i took a bunch of trips out to the dumpster with boxes and bags of spring cleaning trash, and i accidentally locked my keys in the apartment with my radio on and my cat still waiting to be fed. I tried to get a hold of my superintendent, but he was out, so i walked around for a while with no keys or money and my phone dying. Eventually my dad brought me a spare key for my car, but did not have one for the apartment.

When it first happened i was really pissed off and punched my car that i couldn't even get into, but my decision to walk off my anger was a good one, and by the time my dad came with my car keys i was more calm and i went to get some dinner and went through the Ville to see J and Cee.
My phone battery died while i was out, but i ad my charger in the car, and eventually saw my Super had called me back and would help me get in when i got home.

Today i stayed in bed, like i said, and then ran to the grocery store to grab some food and cat food. i made au grotten potatoes and had some banana cream pie. i dont know that the pie was the best idea. i feel kind of sick now, but whatev-

now i'm going to try to go back to bed, even though my dreams are really really disturbing.



( 14 comments — Leave a comment )
Apr. 26th, 2008 05:55 am (UTC)
I know a lot of people right now who are admitting they need cuddling. It's too bad I stopped being a cuddle whore, because I'm a lot more selective about who I cuddle now. I would definitely hug you forever if that's what you needed and we happened to be in the same location. I think I'm needing cuddle too.

As for the creative way around that, there was a pillow in Japan that supposedly simulated sleeping in bed with someone. I have a body pillow, and that helps some people, but I know my pillow isn't a person, so yeah. My cat helps with that though.
Apr. 26th, 2008 06:10 am (UTC)
oh yeah... body pillows are good. i used to have this great gold colored pillow from a couch at my old youth group that almost really felt like hugging a real person.

anyway, thank you. *hug*
Apr. 26th, 2008 08:10 am (UTC)
body pillow isn't a bad idea. Maybe a body pillow + sleeping bag combo?

Yay therapy! I hope you find a good one soon :) I know it's not easy, so I'm crossin' my fingers
Apr. 26th, 2008 03:59 pm (UTC)
thank you. i hope i find a good therapist soon too
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Apr. 26th, 2008 04:00 pm (UTC)
Apr. 26th, 2008 04:00 pm (UTC)
thank you (:
Apr. 27th, 2008 02:41 am (UTC)
touch is a really important human need.
There are studies on babies who are in orphanages who don't get picked up and held alot against those who are in loving homes .. it makes a difference in their growth, health, well-being.

We all need to be held and hugged ....

**cyber hug**
wish I could do it in real life for you

Apr. 27th, 2008 03:53 am (UTC)
thank you *hug*
i actually have a close friend who had "failure to thrive" as a kid cuz she went unheld and unloved and i think she said she was a toddler's age, but still in an infant body, until she was adopted by a relative who raised her amazingly. she was really lucky to have that person, and she knows it and appreciates her too, so its cool. i see a lot of sad things, and i'm always glad to see the happy stuff.
i heard from another old friend today too. i'm loving that facebook has live chat on it now. i hate AIM and downloading chat clients or whatever the fuck, so it is supercool. maybe i'll see you on there.
Apr. 27th, 2008 06:19 am (UTC)
I feel for you, I totally understand. My arms are around you holding you close, cheek to cheek :)
Apr. 27th, 2008 06:57 am (UTC)
thank you *hug*
Apr. 27th, 2008 09:03 pm (UTC)
Those big bean bag things you sit in make good hugs because you can just sink into them and cry or whatever. Hope things get better :)
Apr. 29th, 2008 05:44 am (UTC)
thank you. that is a good idea. where do they sell those these days? i love those things.
how are you? i miss you
May. 1st, 2008 04:02 pm (UTC)
report to lj/hugs
umm...I'm here for hugs any time of day and night. xo mom
May. 1st, 2008 06:17 pm (UTC)
Re: report to lj/hugs
thank you. i'll try to remember that. i know that, but i sometimes forget the obvious. i'm working on that. i love you
( 14 comments — Leave a comment )


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