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Religion by Hank

STOLEN LIKE A BANDIT OUT OF HELL STRAIGHT OFF THE LJ PAGE OF cori_chronicles

HANKISMS. http://www.wunderland.com/WTS/Ginohn/cetera/hankisms.html#Presbyterians

I don't really have a religion but mine is sort of a mix of these...

Taoism - All asses and all dollars are all part of something important. We'd tell you more but you should figure it out yourself.

Wicca - Many years ago some people were forced to leave town early, and took all their teachings with them— secrets about Hank, his girlfriend Barbara, methods to kiss their asses and vice versa. Since then, those of us who kiss ass the old fashioned way have had to make some stuff up, but we think we’re on the right track. You can join our various ass-kissing groups, some quite different from others. We’re pretty lenient on the wieners, buns, and condiments issue. We mostly disagree about what the Moon is made of, or whether there’s a million dollars outside of town.

SubGenius - KISS YOUR OWN ASS! "Hank" is an ALIEN UNDERWATER BANKER from the Island of the FAMOUS SEX ACTRESSES who have a whole encyclopedia of recipes with sauerkraut and if you kiss Karl's ass just once and send us three dollars, he'll make sure that you get your a million dollars, and all the sauerkraut you can eat! But wait, there's more! If you're not completely satisfied, Karl will kiss your ass three times! This is a limited time offer, so act now -- Hank's buddies are planning to carpet bomb the town next Wednesday. Did we mention the luscious, mouth-watering sauerkraut?...

Unitarianism - Hank 101: We help you explore all of the different people named Hank that may or may not be out there, and how to maybe get your million dollars, if it exists. Various methods of kissing Hank's ass are discussed, with extra credit for completed experiments.

Rastafarianism - Hank was just here last week and I was kissing his ass, but for some reason he left town without giving me a million dollars. Oh well— guess I'll smoke some weed.

under the cut are the 12 steps and catholisism cuz i was a 12 steppe for years and was raised Catholic... they are both funny
 Twelve-Step Group Therapy - If you are addicted to, say, wieners, there's help! Just follow these steps to full recovery:
Admit you are powerless over wieners, and insane too.
Convince yourself that this billionaire philanthropist named Hank can cure you.
Give almost everything you own to Hank.
Take a good look at yourself, and continue to admit to Hank, yourself, and somebody else that you are one sick wiener lover.
Find Hank, or send him an email asking for help.
Meanwhile, list all the people you pissed off, and make amends to them all— unless they don't want you around.
When you screw up and take a little bite of a wiener, don't keep it a secret.
Try your darnedest to find Hank's personal telephone number.
Do your best to spread these techniques to other wiener abusers.

Catholicism - Hank will give you a million dollars when you leave town, if he feels like it. We think that if you kiss his ass you're more likely to get the million, but it's completely up to him. Oh, and he might kick the shit out of you before he gives you the million dollars. If you want to help other people kiss Hank's ass, you are not allowed to eat wieners, not even in a bun. Karl has Hank's phone number, so nobody is allowed to question Karl's decisions, no matter how strange they may seem. Here's an example: Karl's list says that Hank not only wants you to kiss his ass, he wants you to eat it. Literally. Every week, Karl grabs a stack of wafers which he calls HankMeatTM. Karl says Hank clones the meat in vats just outside town. The wafer, however, still looks, feels, smells and tastes in every respect like a wafer. By the way, we have old, elaborate buildings that you can use to eat Hank's ass. 
... 

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