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thoughts the day after thanksgiving

thanksgiving is rough. the day usually goes ok these days, and did yesterday, but i still always walk away feeling like a freak.

my cousin mike who is a year older than me is a strong, tough guy. kind of a guido, but smarter and nicer. he has always been good to me., though we've never been especially close, we do have moments where we connect. yesterday, we had one of those moments that i don't know if i am getting closer to someone or further away... he asked me about what has been going on with my the past few years,,, so i tried to tell him.

the past few years is not exactly an easy subject. i have been talking about it as it's been happening over facebook the whole time, which he catches glimpses of through his facebook wall and i do get the impression that he wonders why i write everything i do on facebook. i think my whole family wonders that and other people too and i don't know how to explain it. i really can't seem to help it for 1 thing, but i think there are other reasons i do it, or feel like there must be, but i'm not exactly sure. i know it works both for me and against me to do it, but i think it is more working for me... but yeah, he is among those who definitely wish i would shut the fuck up on facebook. he doesn't exactly say it, but i can feel it behind his kind words.

the last few years have been crazy as fuck, just alone the whole fact that i seem to have 7 years worth of memories that fall between a 5 year period. that makes no sense, as does the last 5-7 years for the most part... so it is difficult to explain what's been going on during that time that isn't going to come into suspicious question from someone i know cannot possibly understand.... but there is that piece of paranoia in there too, that maybe he does know more than he is letting on... although i rarely ever think of this until later when i'm going over a situation in my head...

so i tried to tell him. and there were certain things that peaked his interest and other things that he looked at me funny for. i don't know what he was thinking though. it could have been anything. but i do feel like i worried him, and i hate that feeling of worrying people. i am used to it, which sucks, but i feel it is the evil thing i do. i worry people too much and their worry sometimes makes my situation 100x worse!

so anyway, i think i worried my cousin maybe, but i feel like i did the opposite for everyone else. i was able to tell them more about how i am doing right now, which is really good, and they sounded happy for me. but some of it is in a really judging way, like it feels that they have an investment in certain things going certain ways... i don't know what to make of them. it is possible that they are amazing, loving family, because in most ways it seems like that, so maybe it is my illness, but sometimes i feel like it is all an act that ultimately makes me a fool. i just don't know.

but this is what is pretty much on my mind today and it has felt good to write it all out here on LJ. i don't do that as much anymore. facebook has become my HUB, and i do write mostly everything on there, i don't ever write more than a paragraph... sometimes things need a few extra words, and holidays tend to be one of those things.

most things are going pretty well right now. it's been a month since my last brief hospital admission, i had that big fight with my friend recently, and he seems to be out of my life for now, which is probably a good thing, but it makes me a little sad. sad that he can't get his act together and he has potential to be an ok guy, but will probably never get there... but i'm glad i don't have to put up with his bullshit anymore too. he's no good for my soul... though sometimes i still feel like maybe my soul needs to take a beating, and that is why i let people like that into my life. i dunno. because a part of me really does love him, i even love his faults, to be honest. i can relate to them and i can understand them, but i just can't have them weighing me down anymore. anyway... no idea what will come of this. it's been a little rough, but i feel like it is meant to be for now.

mmm, yeah, and that brings another situation that he used to help me get my "alternative medication" and without him i will not be able to get it anymore for awhile. i have enough for a week to maybe 3 weeks left, as i ease off, but it is going to be very different without that every night to chill out and relax and do my deep thinking... and it may be exactly what is meant to be right now... deep thinking can get me into trouble... although it tends to help me a lot too, but it has been a few years since i really tried to go without, so we'll see...

other stuff has been going on. there were some stresses before my hospitalization, mostly related to some kids from my town who died... not children kids though, i call everyone kids, one was my age, the others were in their early 20's. anyway, in some ways it seemed to tie in with all the weird shit i've been going through for the last few years and that got me paranoid, added to the fact that someone i know for certain has links to all the weird shit in my life was just recently inserted right into my daily life in a bigger way and that makes things challenging in many ways, although it could end up being a good and even important thing. i don't know...

but the last few weeks have been pretty good. i went to see ani difranco and melissa ferrick in boston with my mom and my sister. we spent the night in a hotel in boston, had dinner and breakfast there, it was really cool. i sang through the entire concert, which i think was a big thing for me. i'm usually too uptight to let myself really enjoy things to the fullest, and as i have been healing, i am letting go and it is a nice feeling.

so that is it for now. my adidas. :P

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
jacq22
Nov. 26th, 2011 06:03 am (UTC)
This is still good Jymi, you talked about life, your cousin may not agree, but it was a sharing time. I use FB am sure my family may not agree either.
Not everything is clear, life is complex.
The best bit, that you wrote? 'healing, letting go' and singing, love that.
djcliche
Nov. 26th, 2011 09:24 pm (UTC)
thanks jacqui, that is what i needed to hear. and i am glad i wrote too and proud of this entry. peace
den_lace
Nov. 27th, 2011 09:10 am (UTC)
Jymi, you write what you feel and who you are and I am always so impressed. To be this honest works for me and the fact that you really don't worry about what your cousin thinks is the icing on top of the cake - much love, L.. xxoo .. p.s. always stay true to yourself ...

Edited at 2011-11-27 09:11 am (UTC)
djcliche
Nov. 28th, 2011 08:40 pm (UTC)
thank you. i am trying to stay true to myself. i think it's going pretty well (:
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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