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i was surprised, but pleased to get a few responses to my last post. i haven't posted to lj in a long time. mostly cuz i accidently reset my computer's home page to something different, plus i hadn't been using it much anyway.

it has been a long year. just about this time last year, i got out of the hospital where i spent 2 months being brainwashed to believe i was delusional and could not trust my own memory. and by brainwashed, i mean they told me every day, many times a day, that nothing i believed was real, and they were threatening to put me in a state hospital, where i could spend up to 2 years, saying my "delusions" were the reason i had to go there. i was not a danger to myself or anyone else and therefore should not have been hospitalized against my will AT ALL. they also court ordered me onto medication that made me depressed and bored and unable to think or create or anything, and they used lies and manipulations to get the court order.

thank god, there was this place that i have ties with, in the mental health world, who found out about my situation and they created a plan to convince the hospital to let me out. i was given a new therapist, a new psychiatrist, a prson to help me get my daily responsibilities done, and even at first, someone who came by every single night to give me my medication. eventually, they let me hold onto my own meds and over the year they have significantly reduced the dose, which has helped me be less depressed, and given me a bit more energy, though my creativity is still not what i'd like it to be.

i started going to a day program (group therapy) a few days a week, once my energy allowed me to, and i started doing DBT again, a type of therapy which has proven very effective to me.

all year, i have been questioning whether i can trust my own brain at all, because they told me in the hospital that everything i believed was wrong or distoted, but as this year has gone on, the people who work with me therapeutically have told me that i have remained very stable all year that they have been working with me and i have come to realize that i was never delusional. i experienced some unexplainable things, but everything i remember happening, actually happened the way i remember it. many things the people in the hospital told me were delusions have since been proven true. i am still unclear as to what the motives were for the people in the hospital to try to convince me that i had lost my mind, and i may never know, but i accept it.

things have gotten better between my mother and i since then. she was the reason i was hopspitalized in the 1st place, at least that time. she sent the police after me after we'd had an argument and i took off from her house, but some other strange things happened that night that i do not hold my mother responsible for, and i do understand that she was worried. i had written on facebook something about how grateful i was for my friends and family, and one of my aunts got the wrong impression from what i wrote and had called my mother to tell her that i was "wring my goodbyes" on facebook... so my mother thought i was suicidal that day when the truth was, i was the farthest thing from it. i had never been happier or more at peace in my life than i was right before i got sent to the hospital, and that just made the hospitalization so much harder. i was so happy and at peace and it was summer and i wanted to be outside swimming and driving and singing and enjoying my life... instead, they actually end up saying that my "excessive singing and swimming" were reasons that they thought i needed to be medicated. crazy shit. i really don't understand what exactly has been going on in my life these past 5 years or so. for awhile i thought i'd lost my mind, but it is becoming more clear to me that that is not the case. if anything, my mind has become more sharp, and i am noticing things that other people do not want me noticing, and trying to keep me down for that reason. it's still hard to explain without sounding nuts, but i have been working with mental health professionals who i TRUST for a year now almost every day, and they don't think i am crazy, but think that i am dealing with real life things that they cannot grasp, but they seem to understand that it is my life situations that are the problem, not my brain. if anything, i have made huge progress the last 5 years, not the other way around, as i get told when i am in certain abusive hospitals.

so anyway, i dunno if that made sense, but i am doing well, is what i'm trying to say. i still have a lot of depression and have a hard time waking up every day. that is my biggest obstacle, just getting out of bed every day, but once i do that, i am good and i have a positive outlook and hope and patience and i believe in my own strength. i am grateful for how far i have come and the hard work i do and the support and love in my life and i will keep on keeping on.

peace

Comments

( 10 comments — Leave a comment )
jacq22
Oct. 9th, 2011 01:21 am (UTC)
Happy to see you back, and amazed how you have coped this year, you really have made progress, when the doubts come just go back and remember the programme, ---very, very proud that you survived the challenges.
We do learn things as we get older, every experience leaves its mark, and some help us to face the next one. It also teaches patience, things take TIME... Love and peace Jymi.
djcliche
Oct. 9th, 2011 04:36 am (UTC)
thanks jacqui. very true and thank you for the support and encouragement along the way. it really helps. peace and love
ely_m
Oct. 9th, 2011 09:42 am (UTC)
are you still doing T shots? are they still giving you T shots?

djcliche
Oct. 9th, 2011 11:29 pm (UTC)
yes, i am still on T
ely_m
Oct. 10th, 2011 02:45 am (UTC)
thats cool. I thought they would take away your T.
I guess nurses have to give you T shots in hospital.
djcliche
Oct. 10th, 2011 11:42 pm (UTC)
yeah, i had to get my doctor to call it into the hospital, but they eventually gave it to me there. it wouldn't have been a huge deal to miss 2 months though
den_lace
Oct. 9th, 2011 11:29 am (UTC)
I am so happy you have been in a good space for such a long time now Jymi. Your posts (and f/b) always make me smile, I am so happy and proud of your accomplishments :) x
djcliche
Oct. 9th, 2011 11:30 pm (UTC)
thanks lorraine, that means a lot to me. peace (:
grx
Oct. 10th, 2011 10:13 am (UTC)
Glad You're feeling Good!
Glad you're doing well my friend. Maybe if you continue to do well they'll reduce the meds enough to where you're not depressed at all. Wish we could get back out there to see ya. It was cool to see you when we were out there doing a show.
djcliche
Oct. 10th, 2011 11:40 pm (UTC)
Re: Glad You're feeling Good!
thank you. i am a lot less depressed than i was a year ago or even when i last saw you, but i find it hard to believe i will ever be as happy as i was right before i went into the hospital. maybe someday. i can hope, but i'm definitely feeling a lot better than i was in the hospital and when i first got out. thanks for the support. i hope to see you again some time soon too. it may be awhile, but it'll happen. it's good to have you in my life, peace
( 10 comments — Leave a comment )

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