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family impact

my father is a misogynist, but not really a misogynist PIG. he's a good guy, which is part of what makes things so hard and complicated for me. he basically thinks there is 1 way to be a good man, and that's his way, and anyone who is not the kind of man he is, is part of the problem, which automatically includes me, because 1, as a trans man, i will never be a real man in his eyes. i feel like a let down as a son, but he doesn't see me as a son anyway. i am to him, a daughter that went all wrong... but as a daughter in the 1st place, i never had an opportunity to be the kind of person he truly respects as an equal, because to him, women are part of the problem... but at least, he seems to be more accepting of a woman with whatever issues she might have than to men who do not live up to his standards of what a good man is. this would include gay men, men with mental illness, artists and dreamer types... anything that is seen as weak. i feel like with my transition, i have made it even harder on myself to have any kind of respectful relationship with my dad, but i feel like i never would have been what i wanted to be in his eyes anyway. he would have been prouder of me if i stayed a woman, and married a man and was a housewife or something like that than i ever could have been with probably any other path, and i certainly took a different path. i know he is much more ashamed of me than he is proud. i don't think i've done anything that has made him proud. to him, all my choices have been mistakes, even the ones i am most proud of... often those ones the most.
anyway, i just wanted to vent, and also say that it fucks with me, because sometimes i think that he is right, but then i think of the beautiful diversity in this world... one of my favorite things about the world, and how boring and cold the world would be if all men were like him and all women, whatever his ideal for that is, would be. i sometimes get in this rut where i see him as a perfect man, but then i remember his imperfections are to me, some of the worst ones to have. his anger and hate and closed mindedness and stuff like that are all pretty bad. i love him, but i have to remember that no one is perfect, but it saddens me that i will never ever be the son i want to be to him. i am changing my ways and becoming a better person, and i had struggles that he did not have because of the body i grew up in. things he could never understand without having walked in my shoes. i just want to be able to be truly proud of myself at some point, because i know i will never get it from him. i'm working on getting there with myself but it's a hard journey. thanks for reading. peace

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