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Dec. 9th, 2010

i feel like i am going to suffer payback for saying no to a friend who wanted to stay in my car tonight on the coldest night of the year. he just caught me off guard, calling at 11pm to ask when i talked to him earlier today and he said he had somewhere to sleep. i feel bad but i feel uncomfortable about the situations he puts me in sometimes. plus, earlier today when he called, he said he still hadn't finished fixing his truck, and then paused to say "i know what you're thinking, that i don't even have a truck anymore and i'm lying, but i'm not"... which was an odd thing to say, since i had no reason to think he was lying about his truck until he said that. anyway, i can sense now he is lying to me about something, and when he's on a roll, he lies about everything and i can't trust him. i don't want him in my car because i don't trust him. plus my car is in a parking lot that my apartment building shares, and people tend to ask questions or get in my business anyway, and i just don't need that.
i feel like an asshole, with a homeless best friend who i don't even help out on the coldest night of the year so far, but this is how it is every winter... the lies and the bullshit and the trust breaking behavior is always intensified at this time of year and i know it's partly because it's cold and he's desperate, but i also know that when it's cold and he's desperate, he gets himself involved with things that i don't want to be any part of, and i push him away for my own safety and peace of mind, but that's not how he sees it and he starts to get mad and take it out on me by being more of an asshole. i deal with this every year since we've been friends and it often turns into us not speaking until summer, where in the meantime that we are not speaking, he calls me and leaves me mean messages and writes me passive aggressive emails and shit... but when things are good, they are really good and he acts like a good friend should. but i don't feel i need to suffer 6 months of cold winter with him acting like an asshole in order to pay him back for NOT acting like that.

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