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Friends and Family

i have this friend. we will call them K. i met K several years ago at a mental health related thing. K grew up in the same town as me, but is several years younger, so i never knew them in school. when i met K, we talked about how hard it was, growing up as a queer kid with mental illness in the town we grew up in. We both have PTSD. K told me that the main cause of their trauma, was that they were bullied and tortured on a daily basis by 2 of their peers. I forget if i asked K their names or if they just told me, but i was not expecting to even know who these kids were. Let's call them C and M. C and M tortured my friend K on a daily basis. i admitted that i knew both C and M, but did not explain to K that C and M were like a sister and brother to me. C and M are not blood related to me, but they are children of some of my parent's closest friends, and we grew up together. i wasn't too surprised to hear about C, as i know when she was in high school, she was part of pretty much like a girl gang that actually targeted my little sister for awhile, until C found out and put a stop to it. And it was that simple... the girls never fucked with my sister again because C and my sister are family of sorts... like C and i... and the same goes for M, because he is family to me too. But my family tortured my friend... my friend who is in many ways, a lot like me. a lot more like me than any of my family is like me.
i love C and M although i have not actually seen either in years, but i feel confused about why they did that to K and if it had something to do with me and if they had never known me or had known me in some other way, if K might not have suffered.

ps, i just dropped a plate on my toe! owwwwwww

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( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
jacq22
Jul. 2nd, 2009 04:51 am (UTC)
Kids can be nasty for all sorts of reasons, different stages of life, peer pressure..etc. Hormones even. I had a gentle and loving cousin, a sweet guy who grew up to work with animals, live in the country and marry a gentle hippie mother earth type. But as a small child he was horrible, he used to bite people through the gate, mostly other little kids! For a while he was pure nasty. Sadly he only lived a short life, but for the mature years he was a great guy.

For you your perception of those friends should still be based on what you know them to be like... how you saw them. the 'pack' mentality can get into kids too, bullies are often scared kids themselves. But feel stronger with someone egging them on.
djcliche
Jul. 2nd, 2009 05:03 am (UTC)
yeah, i mean, i suspect that they were all victims, and that the suffering of my "family" made them act out the way they did. it just makes me more curious as to what we all went through... what i can't remember but know must have been something big.
but i shouldn't think about that stuff. i just want a clean slate and i feel like i can't have that without knowing myself at the core.
jacq22
Jul. 2nd, 2009 04:51 am (UTC)
Hope the toe is OK?
djcliche
Jul. 2nd, 2009 05:04 am (UTC)
it is bruised. it hurts if i put pressure on it, but otherwise is fine. much better than the time i dropped a butter knife on my toe which somehow stabbed me to the bone...i iz a klutz (:
den_lace
Jul. 2nd, 2009 08:22 am (UTC)
.. and you will never know for sure and that time has passed and now it is the present and I hope you don't feel accountable for all that time ago, in any way. Nothing that happened to your friend back then could have been your fault, or words to that effect - anyway .. take care
djcliche
Jul. 2nd, 2009 09:29 pm (UTC)
thank you. i don't really think it is my fault. i think it is all an effect of whatever we all went through together. and i know i might never know for sure, and i know i already know too much. but i guess that's the thing. it must be a lot easier to get over something you have no memory of. i have enough memory that i want to know more.
i wish i could let it go, but it haunts me day and night, as much as i try to keep my mind off it, something always reminds me and i am back there.
but i also know that investigating the truth will only get me in more trouble. and there is the question of what would i do with the truth if i had it? and i just don't know. i do know if i knew everything, there is no way anyone would believe me and if i started talking about the details i'd probably be locked up in a state hospital for the rest of my life. it's all very fuct up and confusing, and i know i am improving my skills on how to deal with flashbacks... i am doing much better, but the flashbacks happen... every day all day and i can't help but feel a need to know where they are coming from.
i hope i don't sound like i'm yelling at you or that i don't want to take your advice. i'm just having a bit of a stressful time and needed to get out some of whats on my mind.
thank you for your support. peace, jymi
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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