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1st of tha month

it's the 1st of the month and i am feeling kind of depressed and stuck and confused. i feel like i got myself back into a bad situation which i am now stuck in. i need help staying strong and sticking up for myself. i let someone into my life who is often bad for me and my mental health. i don't know that getting them out of my life is a solution or even possible.

life is very complicated. ya know? there are times when you are actually supposed to be selfish and then times when you are not. i get them confused sometimes. i get a lot of things confused. in some ways i am very intelligent, but in other ways i am literally retarded. i know the term "idiot savant" is considered offensive to some people, but i think it is a very accurate explanation of who i am. probably more accurate than the word "retarded" which i know is also offensive. i like to think of my mental illness as a gift, because in some ways it really is, but today it feels less like a gift and more of a curse. and i will always feel misunderstood to some degree by people who do not have a mental illness. i know not everyone judges me poorly for it, but many people do. many key people in my life do.

but anyway... hey. it's the 1st of the month, so we celebrate it by listening to this song by bone thugs n harmony...

Comments

( 13 comments — Leave a comment )
jacq22
Jun. 2nd, 2009 04:24 am (UTC)
Try to sit down and think if this person really cares about your well being...? right, and that is important. You have to protect yourself and keep well, if this friendship is on the road to destruct then step back for a while, be quiet, and think about it. Consider where you were this time last year, for your sake Jymi I really want you to stay well, use your talents, paint, (yes you are talented) play your music, and keep life going on a fairly even track... if this person is using drugs too much, or likely to cause you harm, give it a break for a while....that's all I can advise. Take care, peace and love Jacqui
djcliche
Jun. 2nd, 2009 07:41 pm (UTC)
thanks jacqui. i'm not really sure if the person cares about my well being. i think they do, but i'm not always sure. i feel like unless the person does something that is really fucked up that i cannot tell them that i need space without causing some kind of worse reaction. i'm trying to be careful though. i know i am doing a lot better than i was and i don't wanna relapse in my mental health...
anyway, thank you for the support. love, jymi
daylight_broke
Jun. 2nd, 2009 05:22 am (UTC)
What kind of mental illness do you have? Manic-depression, depression, something else?
djcliche
Jun. 2nd, 2009 07:45 pm (UTC)
i have been diagnosed with both depression and bipolar when i was a teenager, but those turned out to just be symptoms of what i actually have, which is called complex post traumatic stress disorder... or c-ptsd.
it is similar to ptsd, which soldiers go through, but the trauma was most of my childhood and teen years and the combination of the ongoing trauma mixed with it happening in my early years makes it complex. c-ptsd is not even in the current DSM (diagnosis book) but it is going to be in the next one which should be out soon.
daylight_broke
Jun. 2nd, 2009 09:58 pm (UTC)
Did you have a difficult time in school because your mind was distracted by your c-ptsd? Kids who go through depression or some other kind of mental illness often times struggle through school (and even drop out) because it's bloody hard for them to concentrate in class when their mental illness distracts them.
daylight_broke
Jun. 2nd, 2009 10:00 pm (UTC)
We also both know another reason kids have a difficult time in class is because they're going through enormous trauma in their private personal life. Sadly, the source of the kids' trauma is often inflicted by their own family members.
djcliche
Jun. 3rd, 2009 02:52 am (UTC)
yes. in school i was always told i was not paying attention and daydreaming, but i was dissociating and reliving my traumas during class, not to mention that my being a weird kid made me a target of many many of my peers. i had to leave public school and go to an alternative school because i was unable to learn anything in school. i had a teacher when i was in 3rd grade who added a lot to my trauma as well. she would torture 1 kid every year and make the whole class participate in torturing the 1 kid. of course that kid was me that year and i actually met 2 of her other victims in AA later in life and they both still had nightmares about her like i did... and still do... so school as well as home was traumatic to me. many things going on at once and i was very lost in it all.
daylight_broke
Jun. 3rd, 2009 03:20 am (UTC)
I'm sure there's a special place in hell for your 3rd grade teacher.
djcliche
Jun. 3rd, 2009 03:53 am (UTC)
yes indeed
den_lace
Jun. 2nd, 2009 10:29 am (UTC)
You sound like you have got yourself into some kind of a "rut"!!. At least you are acknowledging it and I do hope you can work on eliminating the problem before you get more stuck. You have worked so hard to get where you have been over the past year. I'm thinking of you .. and I agree with everything Jacqui has said.. *hugs*
djcliche
Jun. 2nd, 2009 07:50 pm (UTC)
thank you. i am keeping my eyes open and doing the best i can. i don't want to slip either. i am talking about stuff in my program though and getting support in many areas, including by you and others on here. thank you.
it's funny. i know that you and jacqui and dee and janina (mrshannibal) have all known eachother for years from some other journal or something. actually, i'm not sure if you are friends with janina, but i think the others are. i don't know how i ended up knowing all of you. it seems pretty random in some ways, but i am so glad that i did get to know all of you. you all mean a lot to me. thank you.
peace, jymi
den_lace
Jun. 3rd, 2009 08:27 am (UTC)
you are right Jymi, nearly all us "Australians" were on telstra big blog together way back in 2006 and we transferred en masse here to LJ. Some of us met Janina along the way and I think it was Dee who friended you first and others followed after reading the posts between you two. So glad I did ..*hugs to you*
djcliche
Jun. 3rd, 2009 07:47 pm (UTC)
actually, i think i've known janina for almost 10 years now on lj. dee must have met me through her. but yeah, i am glad i met all of you. you all make my life a bit more livable (:
*hugs*
( 13 comments — Leave a comment )

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