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A Goal and Thoughts About Body Image

First, i wanna start out by saying that i love when toddlers approach Canadian geese. They are the same size, if not shorter than the big bird, but they run up to the goose with excitement and wonder. Immediately, the bird will turn to them, bark in their face and act like they are going to bite the child. The child runs and cries and decides that they will forever hate geese. And most of them do. Those that don't hate them learn to respect them...

i'm really no better than the toddlers actually. i run up to them all the time.

So, it wasn't as warm today as it was over the weekend, but i went swimming again today.



i realize i look kinda sleezy in the wet black tank top. i'm gonna have to find a better one.
i love to swim without a shirt, but there are a few reasons i don't do it often.

#1 reason, i am afraid i could be arrested for being topless because i am legally female. i certainly do not look like a female when i'm in my swim trunks, with a beard and hairy chest, but there are people who would like to see me suffer, and i just don't feel safe doing it around here.

The other reasons are
2. i'm fat
3. testosterone has given me body acne... no face acne like most ftms, but body acne nevertheless.
4. i have a tattoo on my back of myself hanging on a cross. this tattoo is supposed to be a metaphor, but in mania it became sort of real, and was used as a weapon, and i have really mixed feelings about it. i almost got it covered up with a new tattoo last summer, but decided against it. it holds a lot of meaning, and even though it gives me some mixed feelings, i felt it was meant to be kept. still, when it is out for others to see, i worry about offending people and about exposing too much of my soul.

what is oddly not a reason for leaving my shirt on is my giant scar and misshaped nipples. The scar and nipple thing is from a few years ago, when i had my breasts removed. All 16 pounds of them. YIKES! Some people might be insecure to have a large scar and misshaped nipples, but i am actually proud of that part of my body. I really don't care about the imperfections because i think it is soooooooo much better than what was there before. i hated that part of my body so much, and for years, especially in my youth, it dictated who i became. For years i tried to ignore it, but there was no ignoring it. Not at that size especially. i am so glad to have a giant scar and little misshaped nipples.

i am putting a few pictures of myself with no shirt under the cut
...








oh yeah, and my GOAL! i decided while swimming today that i am going to swim across Spy Pond and back this spring or summer.
i'm sure if i took it slow, i could definitely do it. i treaded water for 45 minutes today. in that time, i could have gotten 3/4 of the way across. i have done that once in the past. the only concern i really have is of the underwater pond plants catching my leg and pulling me to drown. that would suck. and it has happened in that pond before to other people... so i'm going to ask my friend if he will swim with me, but if not, i still wanna try to do it.




i plan to swim from these rocks, across to where the trees are and back

Comments

( 24 comments — Leave a comment )
ely_m
Apr. 27th, 2009 10:29 pm (UTC)
do you still have f on your driver's license or ID?
I think you can change f to m on your DL easily.

I got my gender changed on my license last Christmas so I have less worry about being arrested for being topless.

djcliche
Apr. 27th, 2009 11:09 pm (UTC)
i still have an F, yeah. i gotta do the license thing, i just keep putting it off cuz of the whole humiliation thing. i should just do it. i will have more money next month i believe, so maybe then would be good.
and i knew if i posted pictures of myself topless i would get a reply from you. lol. how are you?
ely_m
Apr. 27th, 2009 11:31 pm (UTC)
I just recognized that I have been swimming topless for two summers / years before I changed my license. I even gone to public swimming pool and beach where people are around. I never had police bothered me.

I am doing good and been busy working at walmart.

djcliche
Apr. 27th, 2009 11:40 pm (UTC)
cool. i actually have been without boobs almost 4 years now... or even over 4 years... wow, and every summer since, there have been times i have gone topless. but usually in places where no one knows me. i get the feeling in my neighborhood i am known as the crazy tranny, who is not well liked, and i feel like i'd be pushing my luck to go topless at a public park... but like you said, maybe if i get my license changed i would feel better
ely_m
Apr. 28th, 2009 02:16 pm (UTC)
I just recongized that It is been over 3 years since I got rid of my boobs.
I had surgery in nov 2005.
I have been topless during summer 2006,2007,2008
actually topless for 3 summers :)
time gone so fast.
djcliche
Apr. 28th, 2009 09:01 pm (UTC)
yeah, it really does go by fast.
daylight_broke
Apr. 27th, 2009 11:31 pm (UTC)
Nevermind. Pay no attention to my earlier question in an earlier post about whether you know a FTM person. :) This post just answered my question.
djcliche
Apr. 27th, 2009 11:33 pm (UTC)
ha ha. yeah, i was gonna say, keep reading.
daylight_broke
Apr. 27th, 2009 11:35 pm (UTC)
I knew a former classmate who went female to male. To help her with the transformation from female to male, she took some hormones. Unfortunately, the hormones made her irritable and moody. S/he was a cool guy though.
djcliche
Apr. 27th, 2009 11:46 pm (UTC)
hormones made me irritable at first. i'm pretty sure i'm not anymore, cuz people seem to think i'm pretty nice. but mood is sort of a complicated thing with me. my endocrinologist and psychiatrist always try to be on the same page
daylight_broke
Apr. 28th, 2009 02:46 am (UTC)
In addition to the artists I just recommended to you, I also highly recommend you should add nihilophile to your f-list. Warning: Her journal contains sadomasochistic erotic writing and images of corpses. nihilophile definitely has one of the most fascinating journals I've ever read. EVER.
djcliche
Apr. 28th, 2009 09:05 pm (UTC)
thanks. i checked her out. she seems cool. i'm not usually into sadomasochism, but i've never really even looked into it. her journal does seem interesting
daylight_broke
Apr. 28th, 2009 02:47 am (UTC)
I'm glad you have a medical team (endocrinologist and psychiatrist) supporting you during your transition.
djcliche
Apr. 28th, 2009 09:06 pm (UTC)
thanks. they are a good team. i'm lucky
mcpia
Apr. 28th, 2009 01:13 am (UTC)
I have back acne (minus any excuse except darn genetics) and when I'm in bathers it reveals alot of scars I'd rather not... because it's bloody obvious that it's from years of emo tears in the bathroom... For years I wore board shorts and a rashy. (do you have rashies in the US?) But at the end of the day...

It's uncomfortable and even though I'm incredibly ashamed of my body. I can't be self centered enough to believe that anyone is looking, and if they do look then. What's there is there and i'm not going to hide it and be uncomfortable because of it...

So I feel your pain, (except I have more booby involved lol) but I hope one day y ou get to swim topless
x
djcliche
Apr. 28th, 2009 01:18 am (UTC)
i'm not sure i know what a rashy is, no.

thats good that you don't feel like people are looking at you. i still sometimes feel like the whole world is watching me

and i used to have those emo scars too. luckily they have all vanished over the years
ryotboi
Apr. 28th, 2009 02:23 am (UTC)
dude, that lake looks big! good luck in your goal and getting a buddy to go with :) wow, that's a huge wish... are you gonna train? treading water is a major workout.

i can relate some to body issues. my mom and sis were anorexic and me being trans... i didn't realize you're out to your neighborhood. that must be hard. i will be too, i guess, at some point.... although sometimes people, mostly older women, call me he...at this point i get tired of guessing what ppl see me as, but it can be a safety issue for sure. *hugs*
djcliche
Apr. 28th, 2009 09:13 pm (UTC)
it's a pretty big pond, yeah. i am going to train by swimming half way across and treading water. i swam almost halfway across today. maybe 1/3 across.
it doesn't seem hard while i'm in the water, but when i get out i feel totally wiped.
and yeah, i didn't mean to be out to my neighborhood, but i've been living here since before my surgery and before T and over time rumors have spread. it's a little annoying. most people are pretty nice, but there are people who won't even look at me or mutter things under their breath. and i was spit on once.
emiklupo
Apr. 28th, 2009 09:55 am (UTC)
I really really like the tattoo actually, it's pretty awesome.
You designed it I imagine?
djcliche
Apr. 28th, 2009 09:15 pm (UTC)
thank you. yes, i drew it originally on scrap paper in the hospital a few years ago. i'm glad you like it.
jacq22
Apr. 28th, 2009 12:21 pm (UTC)
Thanks for sharing more of your life..I feel all the little pieces fit now, can really understand how you wanted to be rid of the boobs! Get the license done if you can afford it, then nobody can stop you. Even so being topless doesn't have to be too flashy. You can just do it when sun baking. A rashy is a sort of fitting top, worn in the water. Good luck with the swim. Take care. The tattoo is great. Sitting here freezing with the cat curled up on a chair next to me...
djcliche
Apr. 28th, 2009 09:22 pm (UTC)
yeah, my chest was a horror show right from the beginning. first of all, because of my hormone imbalance, due to being born intersex (both sexes), my boobs started growing when i was 8 years old. When i was 9, i looked 14, when i was 11, i looked 18. And i got a lot of attention for it that i didn't understand at that age. And even though i stopped being sexual at age 15, they continued to cause me problems because they just kept growing and growing to the point where 1 month before my surgery, i had to go to the ER because i could no longer walk. i woke up with a huge smile after surgery.
and i'm glad you like the tattoo. maybe i'll get braver and try going topless at the beach soon.
glad you have your cat to bring some warmth over there
(Deleted comment)
djcliche
May. 5th, 2009 09:36 pm (UTC)
thanks
( 24 comments — Leave a comment )

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