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Revolution is Love

War is Evolution
Love is Revolution.

It's that simple. I wish i could have seen this before i allowed myself to be so full of hate and anger and shame and fear. But i can't take that back. I now forgive everyone who ever hurt me, and i am sorry for everyone i have hurt in return. It felt like a wave just took me wherever it wanted and i had no control whatsoever.
Willpower is self control.
At the same time, i cannot control what happens around me. I can only control how i react to it.
I hurt a lot of people because i was scared. I acted very crazy and very out of control. I tried to control situations and people and the past and the future. I thought i was a God. I really did. And yet i hated myself at the same time, so half the time i thought i was Satan. I was like a split personality of God and Satan, while really i was just human.

I am getting my back tattoo tattooed over this week. For those who don't know, i have a tattoo i drew of myself on a cross on my back. I got it right after my wife left and some other really bad things were going on at the same time. I figured i must be a savior or something, that my life must have to be a sacrifice for something. I was too afraid to look at all the bad things i had done, which had led to those things happening.

I do feel a little lonely these past few days. I miss my friends, but i am not alone, because everyone is human. We have all made mistakes. None of us can change the past. And we are all part of changing the future. But it is not for us as humans to do alone. What will be will be. I just need to learn to be grateful for what i have, for the people who love me and who have stuck by me... forgive the ones who didn't stick by me, cuz i know i scared them away when i was acting all out of control. Some may forgive me and some may not. I want to be forgiven, but i'll only deserve it if i work to change. If i keep acting like a madman and scare people and act like a fool, i should not expect anyone to forgive me.

I really hurt someone badly this week. I was doing a lot better, but this case in partiular happened when i thought i was all better, and i wasn't. I want to call him but I know i shouldn't, because right now i'm afraid i'll just make it worse. So i will not be calling him, even though i want to appologize. It is not time yet. i have to just pray that God will look after him a little extra right now, because i am not equipped to do so. I wish i were, but that was how i ended up making shit bad to begin with. The fact alone that i want to make everything all better for him is why i need to back off and let God do his job. But for those of you who pray, please pray for my friend. Thank you. You can pray for me too if you want. I could still use the extra love if there are people who forgive me. (which i know there are) I am extremely lucky to have found so many heroic and forgiving people. I want to work to be like them.

Comments

( 12 comments — Leave a comment )
instantkarmma
Jun. 30th, 2008 10:28 pm (UTC)
What are you having done to your back tattoo?
djcliche
Jun. 30th, 2008 10:40 pm (UTC)
i'm having a celtic cross put over it. i figured i'd do something with a similar shape, but less scary.

i suppose i could do a lot of things, but a cross with no one on it seemed like a decent idea. i can just say that it represents faith in general, without any specific religious views.

what do you think? celtic crosses are not scary to most people, right?
plus, boston's got the celtics who just won, so there's that too, but that isnt really part of the reason i chose it... seeing as there is really nothing celtic about the celtics. they dont even pronounce it the same, but still. i was watching the celtics in the hospital when i was getting better, so it is significant in that way a little

Edited at 2008-06-30 10:42 pm (UTC)
djcliche
Jun. 30th, 2008 10:47 pm (UTC)
i was thinking i wanted to be able to swim with my shirt off at the beach and i really didn't want to have what i had on my back. last sumer was the first summer i could have gone swimming with my shirt off at the beach with no shame, but then i had the tattoo which made me feel guilty instead, cuz the summer before i felt guilty cuz i wasn't male looking enough.
i'm sil gonna wear my tank while sitting on the beach cuz my family is still getting used to the gender thing, but swimming shirtless is heavenly to me

instantkarmma
Jun. 30th, 2008 11:03 pm (UTC)
I think celtic crosses look awesome, but I also like the tattoo you've got there now. I like the intricacies of celtic crosses though.

I think people who are scared by body art are going to to be scared by ANY body art, be it a cross or bloody monkey guts or whathaveyou. Do what's right for you, it's your body ;)
djcliche
Jun. 30th, 2008 11:16 pm (UTC)
yeah, i know. i just feel like what it represented to me was some scary shit and if people see it and think i think i am jesus, they may be offended and i dont want to offend people. some people might still be offended by a celtic cross, but i think my tattoo also scared my family a little, and i really dont want to scare them. plus i just have all sorts of guilt tied to this tattoo and i dont want that. it makes me self concious...kind of like my apartment right now. i have to get it painted. even if no one else were to see it, it is triggering to me and i need to paint over it soon

Edited at 2008-06-30 11:18 pm (UTC)
instantkarmma
Jul. 1st, 2008 12:45 am (UTC)
ooh, what color? I'm terrible with painting. Paul and I started painting our room like a year and a half ago & the trim still isn't done...lol
djcliche
Jul. 1st, 2008 01:07 am (UTC)
probably off white... the same color, unless my landlord doesn't mind me doing green or something, but i'll probably just go with off white.
ely_m
Jul. 1st, 2008 08:29 am (UTC)
i think you should paint to whatever color you like.
just talk with landlord.
djcliche
Jul. 1st, 2008 05:07 pm (UTC)
yeah, i'll talk with him
ely_m
Jul. 1st, 2008 08:54 am (UTC)
have you ever considered laser removal?

http://www.fadefast.com/index-1.html
I know the guy who do laser removal.

ely_m
Jul. 1st, 2008 09:03 am (UTC)
I think celtic crosses are more scarier than your tattoo.
djcliche
Jul. 1st, 2008 05:13 pm (UTC)
well, my tattoo kind of scares me, although i'm considering not getting it changed right now. i dont really know. i put down $20 to reserve the appointment that i cant get back, but $350 is a lot of money to come out of my pocket right now, but i still might do it
( 12 comments — Leave a comment )

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