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CHAPTER 10- THE BRAIN

Things between my parents and i got worse after that. Why would my mother accuse my grandfather of such a thing... her own father?
Years later i found out that my mother's grandfather molested her while she was growing up. She thought Papa did the same thing.

When i entered the high school i joined the drama club and played Alice in Go Ask Alice (not the lead, just the title character.) If you ever read the book Go Ask Alice by Anonymous, Alice is the homeless junky that the main character meets on the street and makes her rwalize that her life is going all downhill. I also co-directed the school's main play Scapino, and i had 3 poems published in the school literary magazine, which was a first for a freshman. I became friends with a group of older boys who respected me for who i was and all my talents. They were involved in the artistic side of extracrricular activities as well as being in the high school youth group at St Agnes, and invited me to join, knowing i had been in Jr. Youth Group.
This group of friends i had were special. We could talk in metaphore and know what we were really discussing. Our group became known as "the brain" because the theory was that we all shared a brain.
They introduced me to one of their friends, Aaron, at youth group who no longer attended Reading Memorial High School, but instead a private alternative school. His father was the head of the English department at RMHS and was known as being the best English teacher at the high school. He was also married to my 8th grade English teacher... the one with the legs, who was the STEP mother of my new friend.
I was dating a kid from Wilmington at the time that i met through a friend of a friend. Eric. He went to the Voke school and while he wasn't quite as smart as my "brain" friends, he was an amazingly kind and talented kid. But i fell in love with Aaron instantly, and by winter, i had broken up with Eric and was going out with Aaron instead. We saw eachother every day. We were best friends and soul mates. We both even had the same favorite album (Pink Floyd The Wall) and had both already written our own versions of the wall. We even both had the same favorite song off the album, VERA, which, if you are familiar with Pink Floyd The Wall, it is a short song and not usually listed as a favorite off the album by Floyd fans, but VERA was the same to Aaron and i... a lot friend, a lost soul. And we became like eachother's Vera's.

Like young kids in love do, we planned our future together. We were going to move to Vermont and live on a lake and have 2 children, hopefully a boy and a girl. We wanted to name our daughter Anonymous and call her Annie for short. We did not agree on a boys name.
Aaron and i were together for a year, but as our relationship progressed, i wanted him to want me sexually, and he said that he did, but that was why he couldnt. Again, this was hard for me to understand, and i again pressured another person i loved to be sexual. We did not have sex, but i pressured him a lot. i did something else i regret, kind of like what i did to Mike, but i had grown up a tiny bit more to the point where i did not torture and humiliate him for not having sex with me. Still, it triggered a lot of scary emotions in both of us. We decided we wanted to get married and although it was not legal, since we were in high school, we had what was called a "brain wedding". It was one of the funnest days of my life and i began to refer to Aaron as my "husband" after that.
A week after the brain wedding, i went to Christian Leadership Academy in Ipswitch Mass in a beautiful retreat house/mansion. It was amazing. It was like getting to go to camp, but a camp where i learned how to facilitate a group so that i could become one of the peer group leaders at my Youth Group.
St. Agnes sent 3 of us that year. My roommate was M.E., the girl who's mom died in 8th grade and who i told one could get pregnant by jumping up and down. She was a good roommate. The other girl was a good roomate as well, but M.E. was a friend of "the brain".
We were placed into small groups at the leadership retreat, and M.E. and Jen from St. Agnes were not in my group, as they tried to mix everybody up to make new friends.
My adult group leader was named Pat Sears, and he was the youth group leader at St. Agnes's sister youth group Generations Ahead, out of a church in Danvers.
Pat and i had a close but awkward relationship. He was a confused man, but a loving man. He was a great youth leader and he complimented me often on my leadership abilities, but said that i also needed to learn when not to lead (which was/is true sometimes)
Our group was called Cookie Dough and we all had nicknames like Perect Pat, Joviel Jennifer, Magnificant Missy and i was called Koliedascope Keri.
Towards the end of the week, Pat started telling us all about how he was taking his youth group (Generations Ahead) on a bus trip to see the Pope in Denver at World Youth Day in August. I wanted to go so badly, even though the prior year i thought my Social Studies teacher was "a pope"... so, yeah, i knew very little about who the Pope was, but a 2 week vacation with some cool Jesus people seemed like fun.
When i got back from CLI i told my parents how great it was and how my leader Pat was going to see the Pope and that there were a few spots left. I told them how exciting it would be to get to be that close to all that spirituality. I was lying a little. I mean, i LOVED the spirituality aspact of being with these other Catholics, but the real reason i wanted to go was because i was miserable. I had been drinking and using drugs again and aaron didn't want any part in that. I thought maybe going to Denver to World Youth Day would possibly help me to get clean again and maybe get a new start. I didn't really care about the pope.

After non stop begging and pleading, my parents agreed to pay for my seat on the bus to Denver. I told Aaron i would be better when i got back, that hopefully Jesus would heal me. But things worked out a little differently than i had expected at the big Popapalooza/Godstock even (as we called it).

Comments

( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
coriander
May. 28th, 2008 03:25 am (UTC)
Very interesting. I didn't realize how involved with church you got. It's not surprising. I just didn't know. Still reading...
djcliche
Jun. 1st, 2008 06:51 am (UTC)
yeah, i was eventually kicked out of my church for being a lesbian
coriander
Jun. 1st, 2008 07:10 am (UTC)
That's really sad. And really stupid, really. If you believe in God, you know God loves all people, not just the straight ones.
djcliche
Jun. 1st, 2008 10:36 pm (UTC)
i know
mrshannibal
Jun. 1st, 2008 03:05 am (UTC)
you're an amazing person.
djcliche
Jun. 1st, 2008 06:52 am (UTC)
thank you. so are you
lisetboulanger
Jun. 1st, 2008 12:53 pm (UTC)
I'm still reading this. I'm leaving off here right now. I just bookmark it and then come back later.

How did you write so much so fast? I marvel at this.
djcliche
Jun. 1st, 2008 10:33 pm (UTC)
i had to. it had to be written because i was afraid someone was trying to kill me and i didnt want to die without my story being told
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )

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