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Feb. 27th, 2012

just had a good laugh with Lj about something i said in group today. someone asked about worst injury ever and my story is kind of gross, however not really traumatic... to me it is a funny story and Lj appreciated that, but i think the way it sounded in group was a bit more traumatic. probably cuz i mentioned i was in a dress at the time (which caused the bike accident) and i think people always react to things like that like "oh that must have been so hard cuz you're trans) when wearing a dress was seriously the least of my problems

----that was a facebook post a few minutes ago. Lj is referring to a friend of mine, not livejournal, just to clear that up... and the rest of that story for my die hard fans... is that i was 6 years old, on a bmx type bike, in an easter dress, doing no hands and wheelies down the street and and the dress got caught in the spokes and i slid under a car, the dress went almost off and the scrape was huge and all the way up my body. cement got stuck in my skin and had to be taken out and the next day i woke up and my underwear were stuck like glue to my body and i went out to my pool to get it unstuck. i don't know why we used the pool. it was only spring, but i guess it had been on the warm side and no one had been in it yet that season. it was like a treat from my parents to let me use the pool early to help me feel better about the fact that i had a seriously horrible looking injury...like i said, it's not really a traumatic memory to me, and maybe that was because it got to end with me going in the pool. swimming is one of my favorite things ever and they made it pretty special. i can be hard on my parents for some things, but i love them forever because of things like that.

celebrities

wilson cruz is on the finder tonight. one of the few random celebrities i have met. it was many years ago, right around the time they'd just cancelled "my so called life" where he played ricky, one of the first gay teen main characters on prime time tv. no one knew who he was yet, so when i met him at pride, he marched with me and my gay therapist for an hour. it was really neat. he was also impressed by what we told him about the alternative high school we were marching with and their values of celebrating diversity and stuff...

oh, and i am a bit of a celebrity myself tonight. check it out. i am featured in a new online magazine called words apart. if you click the link for volume 1 issue 1 and then go to art and click on photography above my name, you can see a few of my photographs.

http://www.wordsapartmag.com/

Writer's Block: Opposite Day

Who or what is your opposite?


i met this person a couple years ago. his face looked like the moon. in many ways he reminded me of the moon, which i love so much and yet see myself as the sun. not that the moon and sun are necessarily opposites, but he was probably my exact opposite in this life. in many ways we probably seemed kind of similar because of how symmetrically opposite we in fact were (not physically so much, although in some ways that too). i kind of thought he was awesome, but he also felt too dangerous to my sanity and i had to cut him out of my life. there are days i regret losing such a unique person in my life with such talent and personality, and yet i am pretty sure i made the right move... i contemplated for a short while if he was my ultimate soul mate, but i also contemplated if he was satan himself.

Writer's Block: First Amendment

Why is freedom of speech important to you?


because FUCK you!

no, that's not my real answer but i'm lazy and going to bed
i've got "the sign" by ace of base playing. i feel like that came out around the same time as gin and juice by snoop dogg.... gin and juice makes me think of taking a cab/sped bus to my alternative school in boston every day and one of the 1st drivers i had, this girl dorothy with her 2 year old tyler sitting in the front seat, a monitor named april who was dorothy's slightly nicer friend, but they were both bitches, and carl, this 10 year old in the "way back" who was a huge kid with anger issues and who the monitor was for, although the monitor and the driver (april and dorothy) would just insult carl all the way to school, and whenever the 2 year old started saying things like "you fat ass sack of shit carl!" (which would happen a lot and they would laugh), carl would start kicking and screaming, and they would make me (i was 15) restrain carl in the back seat while he wailed about.... and they would play this song and rap and laugh, including the 2 year old, and it was such a terrible experience that i hated the song at the time. also i knew some girl that dated dorothy's ex (maybe tyler's dad, but doubtful) and she got it in her head that my knowing this girl somehow made it a good idea for her to threaten to beat my ass at the end of the school year with all her "black friends" (she was white)... she never did. i think i helped get her fired. everything that went on in that cab was inappropriate and illegal... but anyway, i happen to love the song gin and juice now and have for many years but when it originally came out, all i could hear when i heard it was the 2 year old screaming along to the lyrics and calling carl a fat ass

Writer's Block: Words to Live by

What is your favorite quote?


"the truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off" - gloria steinem

Writer's Block: Thank You Month

When was the last time you said thank you?


a couple hours ago to my parent's for having me for dinner and i will again when i pray tonight. i am big on gratitude and i think it is really important to thank people

Writer's Block: Roll the dice

What is your lucky number?


3 it's the magic number.....

Writer's Block: Winter vacation

Share one thing you’d like to accomplish before the end of the year.


get together with my cousins mike and kevin. figure out what, if anything to spend the extra money on i got for christmas this year. i won quite a bit on a scratch ticket and got some money from my grandmother(s). i have a little extra saved than usual too, so i didn't know if i should treat myself to something... i was thinking an electric keyboard cuz i kind of taught myself to play piano in the hospital a couple years back, though i don't really know what i am doing and dunno if it would just be a waste... but it would be fun, OR i could get a new tattoo. i have been putting off this idea for a sleeve for awhile, but i think the entire sleeve would end up costing a lot more than i have ready to spend and i dunno how much i could get done and have it still look good.... or i could just save the money and keep it for things i need, though the more money i have in my account when they check my bank account at section 8 every year, the more i end up having to pay in rent, so sometimes saving up is just a total waste. anyway, i dunno. i also thought about donating to a place that helps homeless trans people get jobs and housing... or maybe a similar place for people with mental illness. i dunno. so i'd like to figure that out, but there is nothing i absolutely need right now that i can think of.

Writer's Block: Merry Christmas

What is the best present you received this year?


i got a brand new record player. it is the 1st record player i have gotten that was not trash picked. well, that's not true, i had a turntable a few years back, but it was for scratching records, not playing them... anyway, this one has a CD and tape player with speakers built in. it is also made so that it can be hooked up to the computer so you can convert your vinyl into mp3 form, but i dunno if i will even use it for that. i really just wanted it for listening to my records, which i have quite a lot of... many of which i have never even listened to, since my last trash picked record player turned out to be kinda crappy... with only 1 working speaker.. anyway, i am excited and i also got 2 records to go with it. abby rd by the beatles and an album by a new band called coco rosie. that one is actually BLUE, which is pretty cool.

i also got a few CDs... another coco rosie (on CD... a different album), adele's live CD and a CD by jurassic 5. i got a bunch of cool shirts. a where's waldo shirt from my sister lisa and a superman and atari t-shirts from my sister nikki, plus 2 sweatshirts from my mom. a grey one that is lined like a jacket that will be warm for me this winter since i don't wear jackets, and a pink floyd the wall sweatshirt. i got a newbury comics and panera bread gift certificate, i won some money on a scratch ticket, a DVD of a documentary called Magic Trip, which is about the merry band of pranksters/aka the original hippies, and their acid fueled cross country trip in a painted school bus. it's a really great movie. actual footage of ken kesey, the grateful dead, timothy leary and others... really cool stuff. jacqui and janina, you would probably both especially love it.

i am really grateful for everything i got. i didn't really need any of it, just extra stuff that would be cool to have. i brought a few things home for moo too, but she seemed like she was trying to tell me that what she really wanted was some leftover ham. oh well. i ate it all. (;

also, i was noting that last christmas, i was still pretty upset with my family for my then recent, long and awful hospitalization. a year later, there are still scars, but they are not open and i have come far with forgiveness. i also got a card from my mom saying how proud she is of me for the hard work i have been doing, which is nice to hear.

i'm going to include a couple youtube videos to go with a couple of my gifts. first, the song that got me into coco rosie. give it a listen, especially if you like stuff like portishead or moby or tricky or bjork or even just girl singers in general. this song is so sexy to me.



and here's a trailer for the movie i got, magic trip



ps... within days i will be attemting to live my life weed free for awhile... so wish me luck.

love and family

today in the group "giving voice" we talked about love and family and how complicated that can sometimes be. i brought up the topic because last week i was saying that there were people in my family who i don't really love, and all week i was thinking how that's not true, i really do love my entire family, including my creepy pedophile uncle i barely know, my aunt and uncle who pretty much disowned me, my psycho bitch cousin and the people who judge me and just generally don't understand me at all. i love them all. i love my parents who i am still pretty sure tried to have me killed just a few years ago and my family who refuse to respect my gender transition or call me by my name. yes, i love them all, and i guess there are a few of them i don't owe it to them to love them and even kind of wish i didn't love them, but i do. i love big. i can't help it, i always have. i still love my ex wife who i cannot stand either and hope never to see again, i love my old friends who deserted me when things got too hard, i love my recently ex friend who never treated me well, used me, and even raped me. i can't help loving these people, i just do. i also of course love the people who have been good to me and who treat me the way i now know i deserve to be treated. when you grow up loving abusive people, you do start to think you deserve to be abused and i even abused myself. i love myself now too. love is a complicated thing.

i brought up in group, something my father did years ago that really hurt me. i wanted to move out to washington state where i have a good group of friends who love me unconditionally and i feel the same about them, and i told my parents i was going to move. i had everything set to go and my father told me i could not survive without them, that i would die if i went to washington, that i am incapable of taking care of myself and that if i tried to move out there, he said he would come after me and he would have me put in a state hospital for the rest of my life, which is pretty much my biggest fear and something he probably could do. it was a really awful thing to say to me, not even just the threat but the pure unconfidence he clearly has for me to be able to survive on my own... i have never been given the chance to even try it and i am 33 years old. i was about 27 at the time. it really hurt that he said these things. when i told my group about it, someone said "that's not love" but i told her, "well, it IS love, it's messed up love. it's not right, but i know my father loves me" of course i have had moments that i doubt it, like that moment of course or when he and my mother laughed at me when i was being beaten daily in the hospital a few years back and i pleaded for them to help get me out of there. i told them that the staff were trying to kill me. they nearly did kill me and my parents laughed at me. they don't seem to know me at all either. i know i am not the same person i used to be, but they don't seem to know that. sometimes i think they hate me the way they sometimes have treated me, but this past year at least they have been amazingly supportive, and there have been times throughout my life when i felt surely loved and other times i felt surely hated... but i think it still is love. it's not unconditional love, but it is love. of course no wonder i'm so fucked up when this is the love i get, but hey...
the same person who told me what my father has for me is not love has not spoken to her parents in 15 years and though she says they raised her well, when they made conditions on loving her, she left them and she feels perfectly ok with that choice, that it was the right thing for her and sometimes i do think separating myself from my family would be good for my mental health as well. i don't talk to my psycho bitch cousin anymore. i just can't. she is a sociopath who looooooves to fuck up my life however she possibly can and i cannot have that anymore.... sometimes my parents do the same thing. they love me so long as i don't expose the truth about them. the closer they got to being found out for certain things they have done, the worse they treated me, locked me up, sent people to follow me, hurt me, etc. now that everyone is convinced i am bat shit crazy, they are happy because they believe that no one will believe me... it's fucked up, isn't it? but there is still love in there. love can be such a fucked up thing. i still have a long way to go before i feel comfortable entering a relationship. i like someone right now, but i dunno if i like them enough to risk everything for one thing and for another thing i still hate myself too much to love another person right. i don't totally hate myself anymore. i know i am a better, stronger, much more amazing person than i ever have been and i am on my way to loving myself purely, but i don't have enough confidence in myself yet to be able to love a significant other right. if i were to enter a relationship right now it might not be awful, but it wouldn't be right. i have been hurt too badly by too many people i love to understand how to love somebody right yet. i am working on getting there. i believe i will. i believe i am not hopeless. i believe i am no longer borderline. i still have a lot of issues, but i am definitely on the right track. ideally, i probably should weed the people out of my life who still hurt me... but when that is family, it is hard and when they've threatened to send you to a state hospital for the rest of your life if you were to do so, it is even harder, so i have to work my way around the complications of love.

anyway, i guess that's it. how to love.... hmmmm.

fear and world AIDS day

the other day LJ asked "what are you afraid of?" and i couldn't think of an answer, but i thought of one. i am afraid of my mental illness getting worse and that some day i will have to live out my days in a group home or a state hospital. that is probably my biggest fear. i dunno if it is realistic or not. in some ways i am getting so much better but i also feel in some ways i am getting worse and losing my grip. i hope that i will be able to live independently for the rest of my life, but i just don't know.

i also wanted to comment, since it is world AIDS day, that on this day i often think of this guy kenny who was my aunt's best friend. he is not the only person i have known who had HIV, but he died of AIDS in the early 90's, back in the day when things were not really understood about the disease. he spent his last thanksgiving with my family. the whole extended family was there. we had it in a hall at my grandfather's elderly complex. it was a potluck type thing, everyone brought a dish. kenny made home made bread and no one ate it. i wanted a piece, but people whispered not to take it... "what if he cut himself while making it?" people didn't know AIDS could not be caught like that, and so his last thanksgiving, his contribution of bread went untouched. i'm sure there are sadder stories of AIDS to be told, but that is my personal memory and i will always think about how unfortunate it is that we didn't understand the disease better at that time like we should have and we could have eaten his bread and told him how great it was instead of what we did.

recent art

Tags:

are they only words?

hold tight
think what you might
feel what you do
i will always love you

i left you on the other side of the mountin
and i remain certain
of your predictions
that i can only see fleetingly...

looking for what life has to offer.
stay away from the officer.
try to remain tame
it's still your game.

where do these words come from?
they're in my mind
they're in my mind
is it all just mind games?

Tags:

my internet is not working as i write this. i am going craaaaazy, so i decided to write.

i did some art yesterday and tonight. it is the first i hve done any in awhile and it came out pretty good. it was just done quickly. i don't have the patience for long projects. part of what makes my art mine is that i do it my way, which is usually quickly, which means sometimes it is not perfected. most of the time i am okay with this though. what makes my art special is that it's mine. i go through many phases with my styles, and my forms have changed over time, but it's got a flavor that is uniquely me... and i like that.

lets see, what else?... tomorrow i have my program. i haven't been since last wednesday cuz of the holiday. i'm looking forward to getting back in there. i've been going a little crazy the last couple of days. i haven't been able to sleep as late, which has given me more hours to my day to be doing nothing. i guess it is good in that it has lead to more art, but i hate the restlessness that goes with it. yesterday i got up early (and by early i don't actually mean early, i just mean not late afternoon like i usually do and have gotten used to)... so i tried to go back to sleep, but when i couldn't, i got up, took a shower and shaved, got dressed, drove to wallgreens to get some cards for christmas and for my sister's birthday, some shaving cream, blank CDs and orange soda. bought all that, standing in a long line while wearing my new ani difranco t-shirt with a picture of a joint and lyrics about how "i drink and i smoke"... so i was feeling self concious for a minute, but then realized it really didn't matter. no one was going to judge me and if they did, fuck em...
i went to the ATM and tried to avoid eye contact with the salvation army bell ringer. i don't give money to the salvation army because they do not let trans or even out gay people in their shelters, but i have nothing against the usually disabled people they have ringing bells for them and i feel badly that i cannot say hello to them without also feeling obligated to then give them money. so i seem like a heartless turd, ignoring people with disabilities, but again, fuck what other people think because when it comes down to it, i talk to people with disabilities and homeless people all the time. i also give money to the homeless all the time and sometimes stop and talk with them... so if i want to ignore people working for an organization that wouldn't include me if need be, then i shall do that and fuck you if you judge.
lol. writing is fun. bahahaha.
oh, i got carried away on that subject... i was saying what i did yesterday... yeah, so after ignoring the bell ringer, i went down to Spy Pond, which was packed cuz it was a brilliant day and i drank my orange soda and smoked a cigarette on a rock, looking at the pond with the weeping willow trees swooping down, which now has yellow dying leaves on it, unlike the dark green i see when swimming in the pond in the summer.
i took off from there thinking about picking up some beers and drinking alone the rest of the day, but decided to go grab something at burger king. when i got there, there was construction blocking the enterance, so i went by the mcdonalds across the street, even though it wasn't what i really wanted. i also stopped by newbury comics to see if they had any winter hats. i ended up leaving with 2 hats and 4 cd's, 1 which was a present for my father for christmas. i didn't really wanna get him another CD for christmas. he barely ever listens to them, but it's better than the other gifts i get him which are gaureteed to never be used. he used to have a drawer filled with gifts i'd given him. it wasn't personal i don't think, but i don't have the money to get him anything he can't and doesn't get for himself... but i know music and i decided on roy orbison's greatest hits. i don't think he has anything by him, and i know he loves him. he doesn't understand the appeal of a perfect studio album the way i do, so getting him a greatest hits is the way to go... plus i don't know roy orbison's albums either... i just know the hits, so i wouldn't know what his best album is... and my dad's idea of a best album is when he knows all the songs i think.... you know i think once upon a time my dad was kinda into music in a big way, but music is not a priority in his life the way it is for me, but he still loves it and i got a lot of my favorites from him.
the 3 CD's i bought for myself were all hip hop, and when i got home, a 4th hip hop album was in my mailbox that i ordered a few days ago. i didn't think it would arrive so quickly.
i took my music and stuff upstairs, fed moo, listened to music and went online, watched a comedy movie (the change up) which i enjoyed and then did 3 drawings and uploaded them to facebook... and i still had 2 hours to go before 11pm when i could go to sleep. luckily a friend from HS IMed me randomly, so i talked to her for a bit.

i hoped that when i woke up today, it would be a little later, but it wasn't. i went to my parent's for awhile for dinner and for my dad to try to help me transport stuff from my old computer to my new one, but it wound up taking a lot longer than we hoped for... it is still not finished... so my mom leant me her computer to take home, but now the internet is not working on her computer and i'm hoping that it will work on my new computer, which i haven't actually tested at home yet. i don't understand why my mom's is not working. it should be... but anyway, i have my speakers plugged in and am listening to some of my CDs on here and writing while going back and forth doing some more art. it is almost 9 right now and at 10 i have a show to watch and then i can go to bed, but aaaargggg! not having the net is frustrating, but it has given me a chance to write a long journal entry, which i don't do often (though have a few times recently) so yay for that. rock and roll.

thoughts the day after thanksgiving

thanksgiving is rough. the day usually goes ok these days, and did yesterday, but i still always walk away feeling like a freak.

my cousin mike who is a year older than me is a strong, tough guy. kind of a guido, but smarter and nicer. he has always been good to me., though we've never been especially close, we do have moments where we connect. yesterday, we had one of those moments that i don't know if i am getting closer to someone or further away... he asked me about what has been going on with my the past few years,,, so i tried to tell him.

the past few years is not exactly an easy subject. i have been talking about it as it's been happening over facebook the whole time, which he catches glimpses of through his facebook wall and i do get the impression that he wonders why i write everything i do on facebook. i think my whole family wonders that and other people too and i don't know how to explain it. i really can't seem to help it for 1 thing, but i think there are other reasons i do it, or feel like there must be, but i'm not exactly sure. i know it works both for me and against me to do it, but i think it is more working for me... but yeah, he is among those who definitely wish i would shut the fuck up on facebook. he doesn't exactly say it, but i can feel it behind his kind words.

the last few years have been crazy as fuck, just alone the whole fact that i seem to have 7 years worth of memories that fall between a 5 year period. that makes no sense, as does the last 5-7 years for the most part... so it is difficult to explain what's been going on during that time that isn't going to come into suspicious question from someone i know cannot possibly understand.... but there is that piece of paranoia in there too, that maybe he does know more than he is letting on... although i rarely ever think of this until later when i'm going over a situation in my head...

so i tried to tell him. and there were certain things that peaked his interest and other things that he looked at me funny for. i don't know what he was thinking though. it could have been anything. but i do feel like i worried him, and i hate that feeling of worrying people. i am used to it, which sucks, but i feel it is the evil thing i do. i worry people too much and their worry sometimes makes my situation 100x worse!

so anyway, i think i worried my cousin maybe, but i feel like i did the opposite for everyone else. i was able to tell them more about how i am doing right now, which is really good, and they sounded happy for me. but some of it is in a really judging way, like it feels that they have an investment in certain things going certain ways... i don't know what to make of them. it is possible that they are amazing, loving family, because in most ways it seems like that, so maybe it is my illness, but sometimes i feel like it is all an act that ultimately makes me a fool. i just don't know.

but this is what is pretty much on my mind today and it has felt good to write it all out here on LJ. i don't do that as much anymore. facebook has become my HUB, and i do write mostly everything on there, i don't ever write more than a paragraph... sometimes things need a few extra words, and holidays tend to be one of those things.

most things are going pretty well right now. it's been a month since my last brief hospital admission, i had that big fight with my friend recently, and he seems to be out of my life for now, which is probably a good thing, but it makes me a little sad. sad that he can't get his act together and he has potential to be an ok guy, but will probably never get there... but i'm glad i don't have to put up with his bullshit anymore too. he's no good for my soul... though sometimes i still feel like maybe my soul needs to take a beating, and that is why i let people like that into my life. i dunno. because a part of me really does love him, i even love his faults, to be honest. i can relate to them and i can understand them, but i just can't have them weighing me down anymore. anyway... no idea what will come of this. it's been a little rough, but i feel like it is meant to be for now.

mmm, yeah, and that brings another situation that he used to help me get my "alternative medication" and without him i will not be able to get it anymore for awhile. i have enough for a week to maybe 3 weeks left, as i ease off, but it is going to be very different without that every night to chill out and relax and do my deep thinking... and it may be exactly what is meant to be right now... deep thinking can get me into trouble... although it tends to help me a lot too, but it has been a few years since i really tried to go without, so we'll see...

other stuff has been going on. there were some stresses before my hospitalization, mostly related to some kids from my town who died... not children kids though, i call everyone kids, one was my age, the others were in their early 20's. anyway, in some ways it seemed to tie in with all the weird shit i've been going through for the last few years and that got me paranoid, added to the fact that someone i know for certain has links to all the weird shit in my life was just recently inserted right into my daily life in a bigger way and that makes things challenging in many ways, although it could end up being a good and even important thing. i don't know...

but the last few weeks have been pretty good. i went to see ani difranco and melissa ferrick in boston with my mom and my sister. we spent the night in a hotel in boston, had dinner and breakfast there, it was really cool. i sang through the entire concert, which i think was a big thing for me. i'm usually too uptight to let myself really enjoy things to the fullest, and as i have been healing, i am letting go and it is a nice feeling.

so that is it for now. my adidas. :P

thanksgiving memory

thinking about how the 1st time i was ever in a hospital, when i was 15, i spent my thanksgiving in an isolation room... and as sad as that may sound, i've always kind of had a happy memory of the day. i had visitors, my parent's brought me leftovers and i painted and listened to WFNX's "unplucked" all day and "leftover weekend" the following weekend. i often think of the music from those days as inspiration to get through the hard stuff in life cuz it kept me perfectly okay with a hard situation.

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